


Calla Lilies

by Maeple



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bisexual Kosaka Yoriko, Canon-Typical Violence, Domestic Fluff, Eventual Romance, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Half-Ghoul Kosaka Yoriko, Hospitals, Lesbian Kirishima Touka, Mild Gore, Minor Original Character(s), Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, Plot, Slow Burn, Touka goes to Kamii, Yoriko has a cat
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-05-14 23:53:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 29,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14779658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maeple/pseuds/Maeple
Summary: Touka and Yoriko reunite--but no one could've predicted the events that follow.(On hiatus. Some things are going on.)





	1. Old Feelings

Touka found herself among a crowd, squeezing and shoving past everyone, desperate to get to whatever was on the other side. She wrestled and wrestled, and for what not even her dreaming self knew. She was in a zoo, and to either side of her were caged animals she didn't recognize.

All she knew was that there was something important, and these people were keeping her from it. Above the cacophony of the crowd, she could hear someone scream, "Touka!"

Touka wildly looked around, trying to locate where the noise came from. It sounded again. "Touka! Help!"

Then she recognized the voice. It was Yoriko. Her struggle became more frantic, less coordinated as she almost managed to break free of the barrier of people, getting a glimpse a flash of hazelnut hair.

"Yoriko!"

She watched as a pale arm reached out to her, fingers extended, wildly searching for any contact. Touka reached as well, trying to grasp the hand that fumbled for her.

But the barrier of people morphed into metal bars. The caged animals disappeared, and the room was black except for the light that shone down on the cage, revealing Yoriko trapped within its confines. Tears ran down her cheeks as she called for Touka again and again, an arm stretched out to her between the bars.

But Touka suddenly seemed farther away. She ran toward the cage, nothing to stop her anymore. She sprinted like her life depended on it, crossing the suddenly vast expanse of the room, getting more hopeful as Yoriko appeared nearer and nearer. She could almost _feel_ the warmth of Yoriko's hand, grazing her fingers before--

 

  
Touka woke with a start, nearly falling out of the small bed. She gasped for breath as if she really had been running. She finally comprehended what she saw, and slowly lowered the hand she extended while she dreamt, letting it drop onto the blanket by her side.

Touka steadied her breathing and sat up. Her arm ached as she brushed her bangs out of her left eye. She was in her apartment. It was small, so through the door of the single bedroom, she could see half of the living room and part of the kitchen and dining space that she hardly ever used.

Muted, milky dawn light poured through a gap in the curtains, drawing a line down her room.

She looked at the digital clock on her nightstand. The red light showed 4:44. She sighed and stood, stumbling over to her dresser where she laid her clothes out for the day, her uniform next to it.

Touka woke up at 4:44 for about a week, and with the same strange, reoccurring dream to accompany it. She felt the nightly terror was irrelevant, dismissing it entirely as she grabbed her uniform.

What she thought she needed was a new start, new surroundings, new faces. So far, she had been successful, getting into a local college after graduating, opening a new coffee shop, and moving into her new apartment.

But there would always be some things that never changed, and she needed those too. She hated to admit it, but things just wouldn't be the same without Yomo working with her.

But starting anew wasn't as easy as she could make it sound. A month went by for Touka in a cycle of devastation, depression, and anger. She knew about the stages of grief, but weren't you supposed to go through each stage only once? Wasn't a one-and-done type of thing? If you went through the order, you only did it once. You graduated from one step and moved on to the next; it wasn't _supposed_ to be repetitive.

What no one talked about was the relapses. Touka couldn't count the number of times she looked at everything and couldn't bear to think that what she saw was her reality.

Or the number of times she would get furious because she could have done better. Prevention could've been possible. A fire would set, one that was fanned by begging the question of _if only, if only, if only_. 

The number of times she snuffed out the flames as she slipped into a numbing desolation, an emptiness, the void left when all that could be regretted was. When all the scenarios her imagination made led to the same conclusion one way or another, with the silencing nag of _not enough, not enough, not enough._ She nearly settled in acceptance, settled with a simplistic "it wouldn't be enough," and then she disgusted herself.

What right did she have to feel such self-pity? What was she hoping to accomplish, moping around and doing nothing more than feeling sorry for herself?

But her mind would demand _why, why, why?_ and the spark would relight the core of loss. Slowly it fused the denial that led to a supernova of anger until she fused every element of _not enough_ and exploded, collapsing onto herself again in a black hole of depression. Rinse and repeat. Like the life cycle of a massive star, destined to tear itself apart.

It took a long time to get out of the perpetual cycle. The more Touka went through the motions, the more she hated herself for it. Eventually, she got sick and tired of self-loathing and self-pity: a combination she didn't know existed but learned the two went hand-in-hand.

_Herself, herself, herself._

She needed to get her head out of her ass and commit to something more. She knew she wasn't the only one suffering from the raid that destroyed her home, that everyone believed killed Kaneki.

The days following Touka locked herself up in her apartment, at first too in shock to grieve. But when it all finally sunk in, it hit her hard. And so she entered that awful cycle. When she finally got out of it, she saw Yoriko had been texting her, at least once every day since she stopped replying.

And she still didn't reply.

After the Anteiku raid, she didn't think it was safe to hang around Yoriko. Touka avoided her as she pretended to busy herself with life, making excuses for why she hadn't replied, never initiating conversation or contact. She conjured a reason for her no-show on their trip to the zoo, though she knew Yoriko didn't believe it.

Touka hoped Yoriko didn't get the wrong message if she didn't believe her excuse, but she could never tell. The girl was too sweet for her own good, too cheery to let anyone think she knew they were ignoring her. She continued texting Touka, and Touka continued to neglect the texts, no matter how hard it was.

It was nothing personal, but she wanted to protect Yoriko. She was bitterly reminded of Kaneki, but told herself that this was different.

Even though she knew it wasn't.

 

Rumors spread that Anteiku was held by ghouls after the raid, so Touka switched schools, which was probably best for the both of them.

She slowly picked herself back up, building her independence from Yoriko, and eventually started college. She moved to a new apartment to be closer to campus. She opened up a new coffee shop with the money she saved up, previously working part-time as a waitress at some restaurant that reeked of human food.

She settled in nicely. She still missed Yoriko, but thought about her less and less.

 

Until the nightmares started up again.

Every night in her dreams, she reached out. And every night, she would almost grab her hand until she woke up.

Touka undressed, stepping out of her polka-dotted pajama shorts and pulling up her underwear, her tights, and her skirt. She carelessly threw off her blue and white top, letting it fall to the floor. She got her bra on and slipped her arms through the sleeves of her white button-up, tucking it into her skirt. She shifted and kept adjusting it. It was never too comfortable to tuck her shirt in at first, but she usually got used to it and left it alone after a while.

She was about to exit her room when her alarm when off, the annoying, high-pitched beeps only stopping when she turned walked back to turn off the alarm. She huffed to herself and made her way to the bathroom.

She groggily went through her routine. The tiredness usually wore off as she walked to :re.

After she got ready, she pulled on a light jacket. She was once again stuck in monochrome, all her clothes black, white, or some value of gray. She smiled as she walked along the somewhat deserted sidewalk, cars driving by. There were still quite a few people about on the sidewalks, but they were much more empty in the early mornings.

Just bringing her attention to all her monochrome outfits made her think of Yoriko. The girl had seen her whole wardrobe once and was horrified to only find white, black, gray, and dark colors.

_"It's no wonder you're so stressed all the time, Touka! You need some color! Here, take my hoodie!"_ Yoriko had insisted, forcing Touka to wear the bright pink sweater the rest of the day. Touka pretended to be grumpy about it, but really, it was a sweet gesture. And it had gotten her a bit less stressed over finals.

Toula pushed the memory aside as she got out her keys to unlock the coffee shop. Nowadays, her time was split between lectures, homework, and work. She made enough money to keep herself from being broke, but it would take a long time to save up enough money to buy a used car. Not that she needed one at the moment, but in the future, it might be nice. It helped a bit she didn't spend so much on human food, but she always kept at least some in case she had human classmates over.

Touka turned on the lights, watching one lightbulb in the far back flicker. Oh, that was going to annoy her. But she would have to get used to it. She got the chalkboard sign off of the counter and cleaned it off to write today's special on it, placing the sign back outside the café. She made sure to flip the sign hanging over the window from facing "closed" to "open".

Overall, she was happy with :re. It was homely, with welcoming, warm colors like brown and beige. Touka glanced to the windows. She knew the first, early customers wouldn't be coming in until maybe ten minutes later. The bell at the door chimed as a tall, broad, almost scruffy-looking man entered.

"Oi, Yomo," Touka greeted, throwing him an apron as she put one on herself, pinning her name tag onto it.

"Touka," he returned as he caught it, leaning against the front counter.

"You better greet the customers today. It reflects badly on us if you ignore them until you take their orders," she chided. He rolled his eyes, and she rolled hers back.

Their usual banter was exchanged, consisting mostly of sighs, shrugs, and rolling eyes. Then their first customers came in, usually those who also had to work early and needed the caffeine to get through the day.

Things went as they usually would.

 

Until noon rolled around, that was.

 

Yomo was in the back, preparing an order while Touka took one of a middle-aged man.

The bell on the door chimed again as it was closing. Two people stepped in. Touka's breath caught in her throat, and she almost couldn't repeat to the man his order to make sure she got it right.

Of the two people, one was a man, tall with black hair and a powerful presence. Though he hadn't done anything and looked like any other guy, Touka couldn't help but be hyperaware of him and every movement he made.

But it wasn't the man that surprised her.

It was who was by his side, holding his hand.

Her heart plummeted into the depths of her stomach.

It was a woman, one Touka was familiar with. A woman she had avoided in high school. The same one with the hazelnut hair, warm smile, and gentle brown eyes. One who was still pleasant and sweet, or at least seemed so.

Touka was staring, and she knew it. Her pulse picked up rapidly, hammering away in her chest as if it wanted to break free of the flesh. She swallowed and looked away, only then noticing the strange look the middle-aged man was giving her.

"Sorry..." she mumbled, putting her pen and notepad in one of the apron's pockets. She hurried to the kitchen and wished she could pretend like she hadn't noticed the newcomers.

Now it was Yomo's turn to give her a weird look as he handed her the order he was preparing, but Touka just set it back down on the counter.

"I..." she began, slowly breathing out. She needed to gather herself. "Sorry," she apologized for the second time. She picked the order back up and steeled herself for the new customers.

"Are you... okay?" Yomo asked. Touka knew she was acting weird, but nodded and headed back out.

She tried not to look in the direction of Yoriko and the man, but she couldn't help but feel paranoid as some part of her mind convinced her that they were staring at her, that it was their gazes she could sense on her back and not the nervous sweat she already managed to work up. She forced herself to walk casually as she placed the order down on the table, smiling at the customer.

"Here you are. Is there anything else I can get you?" For once, she hoped there was just so she could put off waiting on the man and Yoriko. Who was the man anyway? Her boyfriend? Her fiancé? Her _husband?_

There was a small part of her that wanted to throw a tantrum like a small child, deny the man had any romantic relations with Yoriko. The small part of her that was much bigger than she wanted to admit hoped he was just a cousin or something. But then why were they holding hands? She assumed she was just overprotective, even after all this time.

Really, how could she be jealous of someone for spending time with a girl she avoided? The more she thought about it in the few seconds she realized she wasn't listening to the customer's reply, the more ridiculous and paradoxical her feelings seemed.

The customer had finished their reply and was staring at her awkwardly as if to ask her if she would leave already. Touka felt her face heat up with embarrassment. She was a mess, and all it took to make it was Yoriko.

"My apologies, excuse me," Touka said, walking away. She hoped the customer didn't need anything else. Because she really hadn't been paying attention. She consciously slowed her walk as she approached the man and Yoriko. Touka decided that she would act casually, pretend like she didn't recognize Yoriko, pretend she didn't care that Yoriko was with someone.

She put on her customer service smile, but it was stiff and awkward and chipped off her face like old paint. "Welcome to :re, what can I get you?"

Yoriko looked up at Touka, recognition flashing across her face before she gave a smile. "Oh, hello to you too, Touka. It's been a while."

The man gave Touka a curious glance but said nothing.

Touka felt a prick of annoyance. How could Yoriko still act as if they were friends, even after not talking for so long? But then the guilt came, gnawing and clawing at her insides as if she had swallowed something alive. She spent so much time avoiding her, and Yoriko still seemed to only have goodwill toward Touka.

"Yeah..." Touka agreed softly before adding, "...Yoriko."

There was an awkward silence before Touka reached for her pen and notepad, looking to the couple expectantly.

The man cleared his throat. "So, do you know what you want?"

"Oh, yes, sorry!" Yoriko apologized and they gave their orders.

Touka wrote it down and hurried back to the kitchen to help Yomo. Even if it was half an excuse to stay out of sight from Yoriko's ever kind eyes.

"Really, what's up with you?" Yomo asked as he ground some coffee beans.

"Nothing," Touka said but knew he wouldn't believe it. "Just saw someone I didn't expect to see."

Yomo raised his eyebrows but didn't push it, which she was thankful for as they brought the orders to their respective orderers. She walked over to the table Yoriko and the man sat at, placing down a black coffee and vanilla cappuccino in front of them.

"Thanks, Touka," Yoriko said. The man gave a nod as if to thank her too.

Touka smiled, and out of guilt added, "No problem. It's on the house today." She could pay for their drinks, it was the least she could do after all those years.

Yoriko opened her mouth for what Touka assumed was a protest, but she stopped herself and gave Touka a quizzical look. After Yoriko searched her for a moment, she seemed to find what she was looking for and sighed.

Touka couldn't help but envy the man across from her.

"Touka... thank you. It really is nice to see you." Yoriko gave that sincere, soft smile that made Touka's heart melt. From this distance, Yoriko smelled lovely too. Every human had a distinct scent, but she never smelled one as pleasant and addicting as hers.

Touka nodded, her face heating up. She walked back to the front counter and realized it was almost her break. It would be nice to get out. While no other business came, Touka watched as she pretended to clean tables. And when she was pretty sure she cleaned the same table three times, she went to grab some homework she brought with her to work on and sat down. She peered over in their direction every so often.

Yoriko was animated and lively, and while Touka tried not to eavesdrop on them with her ghoul hearing, she couldn't help but notice Yoriko sounded strained. Apparently, the guy's name was Takeomi. She assumed it was his first name, though.

Touka sighed and turned back to her essay she had been working on during her break. She had a feeling she wasn't going to finish the whole ten pages anytime soon. She groaned to herself and put her head down on the papers.

  
She didn't know how much time had passed before she heard the bell chime again, but Touka did know that she didn't remember when she had fallen asleep. She glanced at the clock. She apparently hadn't slept for long, thankfully. She just dozed off for a minute or so.

She guiltily looked to Yoriko and Takeomi, or where they would have been, only to find the man and his coffee gone. Yoriko was there, waving to someone out the window. Touka lifted her head and followed her gaze, seeing the man waving back as he left :re. So that was where the bell chime came from.

Touka furrowed her eyebrows as Yoriko picked up her jacket and her coffee and started heading toward Touka. Touka quickly ran a hand through her hair and tidied her papers, trying to be casual.

"Hey, Touka..." Yoriko greeted. "Mind if I sit with you?"

"Ah, not at all," Touka replied. Yoriko sat in the chair across from her, draping her jacket over its back.

"So... you're... working here now," Yoriko attempted to make conversation.

"Yeah..." she replied awkwardly. "I'm actually the manager."

"Really? That's awesome! I opened a bakery a few blocks from here," Yoriko grinned.

She felt the urge to laugh but gave a small half-smile instead. Some things never changed. "That's great, Yoriko. It suits you." She never realized just how much she missed this. Even if it was small talk.

Yoriko's eyes smiled for her as she replied, "Yeah. I have to go soon, but you should visit sometime! I miss talking to you."

Well, now she knew she wasn't the only one. But she would never say that. "That... sounds nice. Maybe tomorrow?"

Yoriko nodded enthusiastically, taking Touka's pencil and using it to write the address on her essay. "Here's the address, and underneath is my phone number. Text me, okay?"

Touka almost couldn't breathe. This seemed so surreal. Yoriko was way too kind. She almost wished Yoriko hated her after she avoided her, didn't reply to her texts for a year. She didn't deserve this.

"I... will," Touka managed.

Yoriko nodded and stood, getting on her jacket. "See you tomorrow?"

"Yeah... tomorrow."

 

Touka still couldn't believe it as she watched Yoriko leave. She watched the white of Yoriko's dress pool around her mid-calf and her light yellow overcoat hug her frame.

And as she stared, she thought Yoriko reminded her of a calla lily. She was indeed beautiful and fragrant. And like a calla lily, Yoriko was a persistent, pure blossom of hope that had sprouted right in Touka's heart.


	2. Acceptance

Touka wasn't sure what to expect, and that bugged her immensely.

She spent her time off worrying and fretting over tomorrow and what would come with it. She, as usual, did not get another single word down on her essay during her break, but she continued to attempt to busy herself with serving customers and making coffee.

It didn't do too much when no one needed (or wanted) anything, and no one else was coming in. So Touka sighed and sat at the empty table she had been cleaning, opting to look out the window in boredom when really she should have been helping Yomo.

The ever-crowded streets never overwhelmed her as they once had. All those people, like the waves lapping at the sand, weathering, wearing down her anxiety until it was nonexistent. She eventually became desensitized, but mostly because Yoriko dragged her through the streets so often back then.

She almost smiled as she could imagine it again, but instead of going to places like the zoo, or to the store, they would do romantic, couple-esque things. Like to dinner, or a coffee shop, if she didn't already manage one of her own.

It wasn't like she suddenly realized one day that she liked girls. She just never questioned it, because maybe that was something everyone experienced.

Who _didn't_ feel jealous when their best friend talked about their crush? Who couldn't love their friend so much they could kiss them?

And maybe enjoy it a bit too much.

She thought it was a friend thing.

Until Hideyoshi Nagachika helped her realize it wasn't.

Also back when she was in high school, back when Anteiku was still standing, every day after Kaneki disappeared, Hide would come in, pretending to be optimistic, hoping to catch Kaneki at his work, but the darkening bags under his eyes betrayed his worry.

Touka couldn't remember when the façade finally annoyed her so much she snapped at Hide. She told him to confide in her, and to do so right then. Otherwise, he would never get another offer because she hated emotional conversations. Most of the time.

Hide was so in control of his own emotions. He kept them in check. If he wanted, he could have the best poker face (aside from Uta's), but instead, he used this to be warm and encouraging. It was almost pleasing to see him open up to her.

She asked some questions, and soon Hide was talking his heart out, confessing his concerns and fears. Touka guessed he seemed to trust her enough.

And Touka listened, sitting down next to him. He expressed how at first he believed Kaneki was ignoring him until he realized Kaneki didn't show up to work, he didn't go to his classes, he was never at bookstores and shops he used to frequent, and he didn't even come to his own apartment to sleep anymore. He didn't reply to texts, he didn't answer calls.

And really, Touka wished she could tell him what she knew, but she couldn't bring herself to. She didn't want to utter the words, she didn't want to make it seem more _real._ She could have run straight into the CCG headquarters if she was motivated enough, could have fended off thirty doves. But she was such a coward when it came to that conversation.

All the things she could have told him would have just made everything complicated, anyway.

But really, what made her realize that what she felt wasn't just platonic was when Hide admitted, "I don't think I've ever worried so much about someone before. And I know it sounds silly, but I love him so much it hurts, you know?"

_I love him so much it hurts._

Touka immediately thought of Yoriko.

"As a... lover?" Touka had asked softly.

Hide flushed a bit, but gave a small nod. "I feel awful for just realizing it... But I think so... I guess I didn't realize what was right in front of me until I lost it."

And Touka could almost understand then. She could almost understand the feeling of ignorance when things were occurring, and only when she reflected on them did she genuinely see them.

She almost understood then. Almost.

But she simply acknowledged Hide's confessions. "When he comes back... I hope you work things out with you two."

Not if, but _when._

Because that was the moment Touka decided that if no one else would do anything, she would save Kaneki herself. But later that night, she found almost all of Anteiku backed her up. Except for Yoshimura, which was when her suspicions should have begun.

But nonetheless, if she almost understood then, she definitely understood now.

_I didn't realize what was right in front of me until I lost it._

When Touka started shutting Yoriko out, she began to yearn for her more. It was always more tempting to have things you couldn't.

But now, as she stared out of :re's window, she realized that it wasn't that she yearned for Yoriko _more_ than before. It wasn't that she suddenly developed that aching, desperate desire. She had always felt that nagging feeling that was almost a necessity, but in some ways even direr.

That longing had always been there, it was just more evident when Yoriko wasn't around to soothe it.

Touka's breath caught in her throat again, but not as unpleasantly as before. She broke into a small, almost uncharacteristic smile that bloomed like a flower in spring as she gathered her papers. And Yoriko had planted the seed once again.

The bell on the door chimed to (rudely) interrupt her moment.

Touka looked up to see the customer in question. "Thank you, come again!" she called, still smiling, and stood, watching the woman walk away.

She brushed some hair behind her ear. It was a lazy hour, hardly any new customers came through and most previous ones had already left. Only a few lingered, sipping their coffee every now and then as they browsed through their phones or murmuring to their friends.

She cleaned up around the coffee shop, the quiet atmosphere stilling when the last customer walked out just before 21:00. Really, the coffee shop didn't close until around 22:30.

She looked out the window again. So... she... loved Yoriko.

_Loved_.

The word sounded weird in her head. She made a face. Yeah, the word _loved_ was not natural. She didn't fancy sounding like some lovestruck schoolgirl, or a hopeless romantic at best. She didn't like emotional moments, she didn't favor sappiness.

But maybe for Yoriko, she could make an exception.

She definitely wasn't a romantic. But hopeless? The situation surely seemed that way. Yoriko had been with a man--that Takeomi guy. They were probably lovers, and who was Touka to come in and ruin their relationship over some feelings she never acted on in the first place? She felt like it was too late.

Let alone being a bit late to realize the feelings, but she also completely blew off Yoriko for a year. Even if Yoriko seemed to have no ill feelings toward Touka, Touka herself knew that Yoriko could hold a mean grudge, even if she wouldn't admit it.

* * *

 

  
She welcomed the distraction when it came time to close up the coffee shop. She really needed to stop fretting so much. All Yoriko asked her to do was to meet her at her bakery.

She walked herself home, papers in hand. She unlocked her apartment and opened it, greeted by a rather bare living room. It was a simple one-bedroom apartment, she didn't have a need for much else. All she usually did in her home was sleep or study.

But now she had something else to do: worry.

Touka was completely overcomplicating and overthinking things about tomorrow. What would she wear? It was just a small visit, so something casual, probably.

She looked to through her pitiful collection of clothes in her drawers. She seemed to have two types of clothing: work and black. Why did she have so many black and gray shirts, so many black pants, shorts, and skirts?

Oh, well. At the bottom of one of the drawers was a light blue shirt Touka had likely never worn before. Maybe that would be better than black. But she would leave the clothes for tomorrow.

She sighed to herself and went into the small bathroom, turning on the shower and taking off her clothes. She stepped under the running water, appreciating the warmth that it gave.

With the warmth, her mind wandered off.

Yoriko worked at a _bakery_. She would probably ask Touka to try something, or Touka would have to be polite and buy something. Then she would eat it, smile, hold it down for some time, then ask where the bathroom was to throw the foul-tasting food back up. And no, it wasn't that Yoriko's baking was terrible, she was sure it must be fantastic if Yoriko even opened a bakery, but human food just wouldn't do it for a ghoul. Or maybe she could make the excuse of being on a diet, but that would be a hollow lie.

Yoriko used to have suspicions about her having an eating disorder, and what if she became concerned again? At least it wasn't like asking to use the bathroom automatically meant she was throwing up, even if it did in that case.

Touka realized she had been standing under the shower for who knows how long, and finally began to shampoo her hair, her mind picking apart everything that could possibly go wrong. It almost reminded her of her math teacher, pointing out everything wrong with her math and hoping Touka somehow knew how to fix it when indeed she just nodded along and pretended she understood (when she clearly didn't).

She rinsed her hair out and washed before turning the water off. She moved the curtain to the side, shuddering at the loss of heat. She quickly grabbed the towel and dried herself.

She got ready and finally went to bed.

 

No nightmares came. If Touka dreamed, she didn't remember it.

 

  
The dawn came with the sun to start anew, and she woke up around 7:30, still too early for her liking, but much better than nightmares at 4:44. Touka was just glad her hair was not as much of a mess as it had been in the mornings lately.

After getting dressed, she looked over at the paper from her essay that Yoriko had written the address down. And her phone number next to it.

Touka swallowed and got her own phone out, looking for Yoriko's contact. She found it, realizing Yoriko must've gotten a new phone, because the number was different.

She put it in and hovered her finger over the "text" option. She sighed and hit it, starting to type.

'When does the bakery open?' she typed and deleted it. Yoriko wouldn't know who the text was from, and that would be a little creepy.

'This is Touka. When does the bakry open?' she typed and realized the typo. Oh well, the last sentence was awkwardly worded anyway. She deleted it again. And several more times before she settled on, 'Hey, this is Touka. When will you be at the bakery?'

She bit her lip and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. She doubted herself for a moment. Did Yoriko really want her back in her life after all that? _Well, she must have, you just lack common sense._ Common sense. What an oxymoron. There was nothing _common_ about sensibility.

Then she decided to suck up her own doubts, woman-up, and press the damn send button. But not without holding her breath.

It was done, it was sent.

 

**Kirishima Touka on March 11th, 20xx 7:52:16**

Hey, this is Touka. When will you be at the bakery?

 

She let the breath out.

A few minutes later a reply came.

 

**Kosaka Yoriko on March 11th, 20xx 7:59:24**

>Around 9! See u there!

 

Touka silently smiled down at the phone. She missed receiving texts from Yoriko. Well, 9:00 wasn't for about another hour, so she still had time. She glanced at that essay she should have been writing. It wasn't like it was a boring subject, per se, Touka was just incredibly bad at getting homework done. She exhaled harshly through her nose and picked up the pencil again.

She managed to get another paragraph in before she headed out. After looking at the address of the bakery, she knew where the street was, so she assumed if Touka walked up and down it long enough she would find it. And she did, thankfully.

She looked at the exterior. It was a cute, modest bakery that didn't necessarily bring much attention to itself. It was very Yoriko-like. She pushed on the door before realizing she had to pull to enter. She hoped no one saw as she corrected herself.

She never really appreciated the smell of human food; otherwise, she probably would have been smelling something sweet, maybe tempting. She door shut behind her with a small _click_  as she looked around.

Yoriko waved from the counter. "Touka," she greeted, smiling.

Touka gave a small smile in return. "Hey... nice place."

"Thank you! I knew I had good taste," she chuckled. "I wasn't sure if you would come, but I'm glad you did," Yoriko admitted, brushing some flour off of her apron, which only got it on her hands.

Yoriko wore her hair up through the bandanna, and truthfully, it looked good. Touka rarely saw Yoriko with her hair up in the past. She looked a lot different. And definitely not in a bad way.

"Yeah... me too," she agreed as she walked up and leaned against the countertop, pretending to look at all the pastries and baked goods that were being sold.

But she did need to get something off her chest.

"Um... Yoriko, would you mind me asking a sort-of personal question? You don't have to answer if you don't want to."

Yoriko tilted her head, furrowing her eyebrows, but nodded. "Yeah. Ask away."

"That guy you were with... at :re... is he...?" she hoped Yoriko could read minds as she trailed off.

Yoriko blinked. "Takeomi? Oh, he's just a friend... I mean, yeah, we dated, but now we're just friends," she answered with a small smile.

Touka felt immensely less jealous but nodded nonchalantly as if it didn't matter to her either way. "Oh. It seems I'm in need of some filling in, care to relieve me of my ignorance?"

Yoriko propped her head up with her elbow on the counter, face in her hand as she leaned, eyes narrowing. She got some flour on her cheek. "Hmm. Only if you catch me up too."

Touka gave a small smile. "Sure."

And so Yoriko went on about what had happened after Touka switched schools, and Touka, in turn, talked about the new school. Then they got to college, etc., etc.

It was refreshing and saddening to listen to what became of her former classmates, to listen to all the stories Yoriko told, the stories that Touka wasn't a part of. And by the look on Yoriko's face, Touka could tell she wasn't the only one who felt that way.

"Well, I'm glad life's been treating you well," she told Yoriko, who licked her lips but gave a small nod.

Touka could only stiffly leave the conversation there, silence rolling over them like a cloud of dust. The rift between them seemed to be a mile wide, though they were only about a foot away. The dust of silence settled until Touka blew it off by changing the subject. "Sorry, but everything in here just smells so good," she lied. "Could I get one of those cupcakes?" She pointed to the rows of cupcakes in the display case.

Yoriko blinked, lifting her elbow off the counter and picking her head up to rub her other arm rigidly. "Uhh... can you? Eat one, I mean..." she asked in mild confusion.

Touka froze. Her breath caught, like the air in her lungs turned to ice. But she forced herself to breathe out again, painfully melting the ice. "Uh, yeah? Are you saying I should go on a diet?"

Yoriko blinked before her face turned red. "Oh, no--no. I--I'm not--I didn't mean it like that! I just--" She seemed to trip over herself trying to rephrase. "Not at all! You look good--I mean healthy, you look healthy... Not that you have to look unhealthy to be on a diet..."

Touka felt her face heat up too, but couldn't bring herself to laugh as her heartbeat picked up, a quickening rhythm that threatened to break her into a nervous sweat. "Then... what did you mean?" she prompted, not sure if she actually wanted an answer.

Yoriko visibly swallowed, sucking in a breath. "I mean... you can't eat it... because you're..." she trailed off before nearly mouthing the last part, "...a ghoul?"

Touka's quickening heartbeat stopped. Her heart itself seemed to nosedive. 

_She knows._

Touka didn't know how long she spent, staring at Yoriko like she had grown another head.

She took a moment to process how tensely Yoriko waited for a response, uncomfortably fidgeting under her gaze. Finally, Touka let out a breath of her own, forcing her shoulders to relax.

"Yoriko..." Touka began, but beginning what she didn't know. What could she say? She couldn't lie to her face and deny it.

Yoriko drew her tongue across her bottom lip again. A nervous tick of hers, Touka noted.

"I'm sorry... I shouldn't have..." Yoriko trailed off. She didn't seem to know what to say either. "That was uncalled for."

"How long...?"

"About a year now..." Yoriko admitted softly.

"And..." it wasn't so much a prompt than a statement, but Yoriko opened her mouth.

"Touka... It's... it's fine. Please don't be angry with me..."

Their moment was disturbed by a customer walking in, but at least an emotionally intelligent customer, who seemed to sense the atmosphere and immediately walked back out.

Touka returned her attention to Yoriko, expression carefully blank. "I... don't think I can be. Angry with you," she replied.

Yoriko gave a small, apologetic smile. "I promise I don't think any less than you, but I really want you to be part of my life again. And that means no more secrets, and no more hiding. That'll only draw us farther apart. Please, don't push me away again, Touka," Yoriko pleaded softly.

Did Yoriko really have to be so _earnest?_ Yoriko's eyes were amber pools of concern and desperation so deep Touka could've drowned in them if the rest of her expression wasn't chipping away at her heart. God, Yoriko looked so pained.

Had Touka caused that pain?

The ghoul considered, swallowing. "Yoriko... is that really what you want?"

Yoriko gave a silent nod, pleading.

"I... want you in my life again, too..." Touka admitted. "I missed you. A lot. But... are you really okay with this?"

"Of course I am," Yoriko answered. "I'm okay with anything that's you."

And, like calla lilies, Yoriko could survive the frost. She could grow through challenges, she could bloom in early spring despite the hardships that came with it, because Yoriko knew she could overcome them.

And Touka could only love her more for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, there's more interaction with Yoriko and Touka next chapter ;) Thanks for reading! Comments and kudos are appreciated :)


	3. Promises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: there are suicide mentions in this chapter! 
> 
> Posting this chapter early because I'm gonna be busy later. Enjoy!

"Well... if you say so..." Touka finally breathed. She couldn't keep the small grin off of her face. Yoriko reflected it, but much more prominently.

"Yes... but... I think I should apologize," she admitted, tongue poking out to wet her lip as her smile faltered.

Touka immediately knew what she was talking about.

"Of course, I didn't--"

"No. It's fine. I was more than happy to do it," Touka insisted. "I'm sure the food was wonderful. I'm just sorry you wasted it on someone like me."

Yoriko let out a soft breath and visibly slackened her shoulders. Touka herself hadn't realized how much tension she had built up in her own, and let her shoulders slump a little.

"You shouldn't apologize for that, Touka," the human mumbled. "Everything for you... was never a waste. It made me... happy, to see you smile when you tried it. I didn't even realize how much I needed that praise, how I needed someone to tell me I was doing okay... So... so thank you. A lot. I... I just... I'm so sorry..."

Touka's mouth parted slightly in uncertainty when she saw Yoriko's expression, Yoriko's trembling lips and beautiful, pained brown eyes. She wanted to say something, try to ease the hurt, but what could she do?

Half-formed words died on her lips before she could even make them audible. Touka stopped leaning on the counter to put her weight back on her feet. Would physical contact even be appreciated? Especially since Yoriko knew she was a ghoul, would she flinch? Cringe away from her? Shrug her off?

Touka wanted to do something, but once again found herself useless.

She hesitantly reached out and rested a hand on Yoriko's shoulder, on the pink blouse she wore under her apron. Yoriko did nothing but give her a shaky smile as she wiped away tears.

"Dang it, Touka... I'm just sorry I put you through that," she said breathily as she visibly tried to gather herself.

Touka only slightly forced a smile. "Really, Yoriko, I was happy to. I was happy you trusted me enough to be a judge."

"Of course I did. You were my best friend. But, Touka... I really don't think now is the time to discuss this, I can ask all my questions some other time. We're scaring off customers. Maybe some other time...?" Yoriko gave an attempt at a lighthearted chuckle.

Touka nodded, so Yoriko continued, "I could meet you sometime at your place? Text me the address and such?"

The ghoul nodded again and let her hand drop from Yoriko's shoulder. "I promise. Later, Yoriko."

Yoriko waved and sniffed, sending her off with a toothy grin. She looked less burdened than before, like she used to have lead weights shackled to her ankles, holding her to the ground, preventing her from reaching closure.

As Touka walked down the busy streets swarming with people, she wondered what the chain that bound the weights to her ankle were made of. What restricted Yoriko to the lead that was her guilt? It wasn't Yoriko's own fear, she knew that much. It was Touka, she figured, who had prevented her best friend from relieving herself. Those chains were forged in Touka's cowardice, in Touka's selfishness. What connected Yoriko to those awful feelings was Touka's actions of pushing her away.

Touka felt her own guilt form from that, but she didn't let it weigh her down. Instead, she pushed it aside to bottle it up for later.

 

She took her time walking back to her apartment. She had the day off, from both school and work, which only happened on Sundays.

Her stomach growled as she opened the door. She couldn't remember the last time she ate well. The nagging hunger had followed her around since last week, but she had been holding off on hunting and the scraps she got from Yomo. Sure, she had turf near :re, but it was small. She couldn't afford to hunt frequently every time she got hungry, because then people would start to suspect things.

She couldn't have that happen, not again, not like with Anteiku. So she moderated herself. Yes, a ghoul could survive off of one human one-two months, but most of the time, she didn't finish the whole human like statistics assumed she would. She still wanted a recognizable body for whoever would mourn for them, even if she did try to target rapists and murderers and not innocents. Sometimes she was lucky enough to scout around popular suicide spots and find a victim, as tragic and saddening as it was.

She tried to get the edge off her hunger by making herself coffee. Usually, it did help keep it at bay, but it wasn't like she could survive off coffee beans. Until she ate, she would just have to distract herself. She was good at that lately.

Touka wondered if texting Yoriko so soon after talking with her would make her seem clingy (not that she wasn't, admittedly, when it came to Yoriko). She decided to wait while Yoriko was at work. Snd she didn't need to be distracted by replying.

Miraculously, Touka completed her essay. It took four whole hours of her life, but once she got started, she kept going until she went as far as she could.

She leaned back in her chair with a sigh of relief. She felt proud of herself, like she did after she painfully finished a chapter of a nonfiction book. That feeling of 'now that's done! I got through it! I can be finished with it... Until the next time...'

She checked her phone before eventually deciding to text Yoriko as promised. Now that she thought back on the conversation, she wished she could have said a lot of things. Gone about some differently. Maybe even prevented herself from being so straightforward.

Oh, well. Too late. But that didn't stop Touka from agonizing over everything she did wrong.

Touka also realized Yoriko said something about questions? She began to get nervous. Was she going to directly ask her about things that happened? About the Anteiku raid? Now that she knew she was a ghoul... She had been with that Takeomi guy, right? Soon she realized why she vaguely recognized him.

He was a dove.

So why hadn't Yoriko turned Touka in? Or maybe she already had, and they were just waiting for the right moment to ambush her.

No, no. That couldn't be right.

 _Get a grip. Yoriko would never do that. She knows the risks of harboring and aiding ghouls, probably, if she's acquainted with Kuroiwa_. Besides, if they wanted to get her, they would have already. 

She got mad at herself for doubting Yoriko and finally got around to texting.

 

 **Kirishima Touka at 15:56 on March 11th**  
Are you free later today?

 

Touka no longer felt much suspense as she waited for a reply. Truthfully, she felt a bit more grounded since their conversation. Like before she had been holding her breath, floating away while waiting without really expecting a moment to exhale. Now she had let that breath go, crossing that imaginary line that separated her from Yoriko.

 

 **Kosaka Yoriko at 16:01 on March 11th**  
>Yep! Im off at the moment

 

 **Kirishima Touka at 16:03 on March 11th**  
Then do you want to stop by my place today to continue?

 

 **Kosaka Yoriko at 16:04 on March 11th**  
>Just give me the address and ill be there!!

 

Touka didn't know where she got the courage, but she smirked teasingly as she typed, even though she knew Yoriko couldn't see it.

 

 **Kirishima Touka at 16:04 on March 11th**  
Don't get too eager now, I might get the wrong idea. ;)

 

 **Kosaka Yoriko at 16:05 on March 11th**  
>Wow, touka. Lol really i do need the address

 

 **Kirishima Touka at 16:06 on March 11th**  
Sorry. Here. [address].

 

 **Kosaka Yoriko at 16:06 on March 11th**  
>See u soon!!

 

Touka smiled as she set down her phone.

Then she panicked.

Her apartment was so bare. The fridge was nearly empty except for a few parcels of meat. But then she relaxed. Yoriko already knew, so she didn't have to hide anything. But that didn't mean Yoriko wouldn't be disgusted, just because she was "okay" with it.

Touka knew that even if Yoriko was disgusted by it, she would never admit it. And somehow, that thought was worse than if she flat out told Touka.

It was best she didn't see, and probably wouldn't anyways, Touka reassured herself.

 

About half an hour later there was a knock at the door. Touka opened it to find a very flustered Yoriko.

"Great, it's you," Yoriko sighed, her face red. "I knocked on the wrong door before this. Apartment complexes are confusing."

She was wearing the same pink shirt as before, tucked into well-worn, high-waisted skinny jeans.

Touka chuckled, raising her eyebrows as she left the door agape to welcome Yoriko in.

"Really? Hopefully you didn't knock on Fukuyoshi's door... That girl hates my guts."

Yes, Fukuyoshi did. Fukuyoshi, like Touka, was a ghoul. She didn't need to be told, she could smell it. Touka often saw her bringing older men she seduced into her apartment, or welcoming in men and women around her age she invited to dinner.

No one ever came out of that apartment. Sometime when Touka came home late, she would find Fukuyoshi walking back with the strong smell of human blood on her.

Yoriko flushed even more. "I don't know if I did..." she admitted as she closed the door behind her. "Does she have a hair ombre?"

Touka nodded slowly, already grimacing. Fukuyoshi was territorial and only saw Touka as a rival for food, despite not even having hunting grounds near the apartments.

"Oh my god. I'm so sorry. I thought she was your roommate, so I asked if you were there... She told me you were the next door down, and I'm glad she was right."

Touka sighed. "Oh, well. It's okay, Yoriko, not like you knew. It's a common mistake. But no, I don't have a roommate. I promise if I did I would have told you."

"Sorry..." Yoriko repeated.

"Really, stop apologizing," Touka raised her eyebrows.

Yoriko opened and closed her mouth, likely going to apologize again, before she thought better of it. Instead, she nodded.

"That wasn't as bad as the time I got into that stranger's car and started talking about my plans for summer break... I thought it was my mother's car," Yoriko held her face in her hands at the memory, clearly mortified. "The strangers were nice about it, though. I apologized and quickly got out of their car. That was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life."

Touka snorted and laughed. "I remember you telling me about that."

Yoriko lifted her head up at the laugh and smiled, instead of being angry that Touka was laughing at her.

"Yeah. Not my best moment..."

Touka watched as Yoriko's eyes scanned the apartment. Before it could slip her mind, Touka asked, "So, why at my place?"

Yoriko shrugged. "Well... I didn't want to be interrupted. And I'm still living with my parents until I save up enough to move out."

You could get a roommate, the words echoed in her head. She didn't dare say them out loud for the implications they held.  
  
Touka nodded and sat on the floor next to the coffee table. Yoriko joined her.

"Hey, Touka..." Yoriko began softly. "There probably isn't a right time to ask this, but... why... why didn't you tell me earlier? About... being..."

Touka cleared her throat before Yoriko could finish. "I mean... I wasn't... planning on telling you..."

Hurt flashed in Yoriko's eyes, making Touka rush to correct herself, "Not until I knew your stance on ghouls anyways... and that's not... something that you can casually ask a person, y'know?"

She shrugged and hugged her knees. "I guess not... So... the news always says that ghouls... murder people, to get their food..."

Touka stiffened. "That's not true of all ghouls, Yoriko. Some go to morgues... others go to popular suicide spots... some work for other ghouls to pay them in food... there are many, though limited, ways besides killing people that ghouls can get food. Not all of us are murderers and monsters."

Yoriko was silent but gave a small nod. Yoriko could apparently tell Touka did not want to talk about this.

"Anyways, how long have you been living here?" she asked quietly.

Touka was so thankful for the subject change. "Only about a year."

The human hummed, warm eyes closing. "It's very bare. You don't make a lot of money working at :re, do you?"

"I can't say it's a lot," Touka let out a breathy chuckle. "But it helps when..."

"When you don't have to... buy food?"

Touka shrugged. "Honestly, yeah. Yoriko, do you still have that cat? The one that let me hold her?"

Yoriko gave that glowing smile of hers. She was like the sun, and it felt good to soak in her rays. Touka felt warm just watching her. She could listen to Yoriko all day, just talking about her beloved cat.

God, what were these feelings of hers? She needed to get it together.

"Yeah! Daisy's such a chubby kitty now. I think I spoiled her too much. Here, I have some pictures on my phone!" the girl grinned and took her phone out of her back pocket, turning it on.

She went to her gallery and leaned in toward Touka, who was hyperaware of Yoriko's breath against her shoulder. Yoriko smelled so good, she always smelled like something of a flower.

That breath against her shoulder was almost teasing. She thought they were closer than they typically would be, but she didn't mind. Yoriko's scent was more comforting than it should have been to her.

"Here's Daisy with her new scratching post! I put catnip on it. You should have been there, she was rolling all over. She could've been the happiest cat alive. Or the highest."

Touka let out a small laugh. Yoriko was ridiculous. "I feel bad for giving her like, a cat drug or something, but she was fun to watch. I tried getting her to wear a collar, but she was having none of it! Just look at her glare at the camera! That's my poor baby!"

"Your pet cat, Yoriko," Touka chuckled.

"No, my baby! I don't need children, I have this chubby kitty. How dare you call her a pet!"

"You're right, my bad. She's not your pet, she's your master. You're just a servant to her, by the looks of things. She's such a talkative cat, and you spoil her so much. She gives one small meow, and you're ready to stop time for her."

"No, that's not how she thinks," Yoriko protested. "Daisy loves me to bits. She's such a sweet kitty, of course I would stop time for her!"

"Sweet my ass. She tried to claw me when I first met her! She's annoying too, always begging for treats," Touka exclaimed. Yoriko rolled her eyes.

"She's only annoying when she needs something. Y'know, she has different meows for different things. It's not always for treats. Plus, she clawed you because you were playing rough with her. You're the only one to blame for that. "

"Yes, because I forced her claws to my skin."

"Oh, Touka, you're ridiculous. She's just an innocent child."

"I'm pretty sure a six-year-old cat isn't a child."

"Yes she is! She's six!"

Touka rolled her eyes. It was all playful banter.

And that was how most of their time went. Yoriko rambled on, gushed over her cat, and Touka listened attentively. They must've gotten through at least fifty photos, all of Daisy.

It was jokes and laughs and almost casual. Like they hadn't stopped seeing each other for a whole year.

She never realized how much she missed such mundane moments like those. She ached for it, it made her so happy to see Yoriko like that again.

When the sun dwindled on the horizon, and Yoriko's phone had died, they relaxed and lay on the floor side-by-side.

Touka knew silence like an old friend by then. It could be stifling, deafening, uncomfortable, awkward, or tense. But not then. Then the silence was soft and peaceful, the silence left behind from laughter that died down.

But it would be wrong to call it silence because their breathing could be heard. Or at least Touka could listen to Yoriko's breath, and that was more reassuring than anything.

A weird feeling wormed its way up into her chest and made its home there. It seemed to radiate heat, lighting a fire in the hollow of her heart, running through her blood.

But the fire wasn't scorching or burning, it was pleasantly crackling, lighting and warming her body. The feeling left her almost numb.

Was this what true contentment felt like?

Because Touka would certainly say she was content. She was content to lay there, in Yoriko's sweet scent, her steady breathing next to her. Touka wandered her eyes over the curves of Yoriko's body, all soft and gently sloping.

If Yoriko was a work of art, which she was, she wasn't a sculpture. She wasn't carved or chipped away at. She was pottery, built up with careful hands and transformed, not broken away, by loving fingers.

She was pottery, initially soft and malleable until she went through challenges, but only came out stronger because of them.

The sunlight through the window cast shadows over them, but none could make Yoriko threatening.

They sat there for an unknown amount of time. Finally, Yoriko sighed and stretched.

"I'm so lazy... I could stay here forever. I feel like my cat when she follows the patches of sunlight throughout the day."

Touka smiled. "Yeah..."

"But... I really should get going, I need to eat something." Yoriko sat up and combed through her hair with a hand. Touka followed suit.

They reluctantly stood so Touka could walk her to the door. "That's too bad..."

"Hey, I'll see you some other time, alright?" Yoriko raised her eyebrows as Touka's hand went to the doorknob.

"Definitely. Thank you... that was nice," Touka admitted as she opened the door.

But Yoriko paused, turning back to Touka. "Touka... promise me something, okay?" 

The ghoul nodded. 

"No more secrets and lies, okay? You can tell me things." 

Touka swallowed. She hated making promises like these. "Only if you promise." 

"I promise, Touka," Yoriko assured. 

"Then I promise..."

Yoriko nodded and stepped out. Touka stood by the open door and watched, waving to her as Yoriko stepped away from the front porch. And once again, Yoriko was something like a flower. She was bright and stood out, definitely not the type for a funeral. Perhaps more... joyous occasions. Not quite a sunflower, she _was_ sunshiney, but... it was something much more than happiness and loyalty. 

Like a wedding flower, perhaps. A flower with a type of faithfulness, and purity. A calla lily, happy but still abundant in love and sincere commitment.

She would have dweled more on Yoriko, if not for who else she saw.

Through the edge of her vision, she observed as Fukuyoshi glared holes in the back of Yoriko's head. Touka turned to face her when Yoriko was out of sight.

Their gazes locked.

"Let your food get away, Kirishima?" Fukuyoshi asked in an innocent tone, though Touka knew it was all but.

Touka considered gracing the taunt with a reply, but instead just shut her door. As she closed it, she could see the ghoul haughtily flip her two-toned hair over her shoulder through the crack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you're liking this so far! Enjoy the fluff while it lasts...   
> Comments and kudos are appreciated, thanks for reading! :)


	4. Surpises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yoriko has a surprise. And gets one of her own.

_Touka ran her hands through Yoriko's soft hair. She could feel it, but at the same time, she couldn't. God, Yoriko was beautiful, that was all Touka could think as she caressed her face lovingly. Yoriko smiled up at her, lifting her head to place a soft kiss on her lips._

_Touka didn't question anything in the dream. It just felt so_ right.

_Touka's hand trailed down from Yoriko's cheek to her jawline, not strong, but still there. She traced it with a finger as if to imprint it into her memory. And down her hand went, to Yoriko's neck. There was something so intimate about the touch, something so profane and saintly all at once to draw against the pulse underneath, down to the dip where her collarbones began and across the protrusion to the slope of her shoulder._

_She sketched adoring, sacrilegious but natural patterns down her arm to bring its beauty to light. She worshipped the back of her hand, pressing light kisses down Yoriko's long pianist fingers and unevenly chewed nails. The flaws and perfections of her body brought unity to the masterpiece was Yoriko. Touka replaced her lips with her hand to look back and appreciate Yoriko's warm, lovely smile as the human's fingers curled to clutch hers._

_That dream, Touka had adopted a new religion. One of Yoriko, Yoriko, Yoriko. Touka's hand slid along the curve of her waist, down the soft skin of her thigh, over the dump of her knee, and across the smooth calf muscle below._ Beautiful, _Touka thought, as she circled a finger around her ankle, and along the sensitive top of her foot._

_Touka looked back to Yoriko's gentle expression and brought a hand up to tuck a strand of loose hair behind Yoriko's ear. Yes, because in this love, Yoriko was something of a divine entity. Not in a sense that she was almighty, but more so she was something to be lauded, to be adored and admired. She didn't have to do any great and powerful deed or save the world, she could just be her. And that alone was enough. She was enough._

_Yoriko was well from perfect, but she didn't need to be. Touka took in everything, the chewed nails, the slightly chapped lips, the mild slope of her stomach. She loved it all._

_"I just love him so much it hurts."_ Hide's words were indisputable when applied to her and Yoriko.

 

 

Touka woke with damp cheeks and tears in her eyes. She blinked and wiped them with the back of her hand. She hated feeling like this. She inhaled, exhaled. For fuck's sake, how did this happen? From a stupid dream, of all things. A stupid dream she loved.

And hated herself for it.

That was way too far, especially for Touka's mind. Oh well. The sooner she forgot about it, the better.

But she was so selfish, so greedy, she couldn't help but replay it over and over. She couldn't keep the thought of _could that actually happen?_ away. She couldn't stop it from mercilessly eating away at the back of her mind, the nagging, intrusive question that begged for an answer as persistently as Yoriko's cat begged for treats.

Touka growled at herself. Sure, the dream had been sweet, but that didn't make it okay to think Yoriko would ever let her do that. Let alone allow _Touka_ to do that. Touka, a ghoul.

But as much as she hated herself, she hated wallowing even more. She got up from the bed, slow and reluctant to leave behind that fantasy. Just because it was a dream didn't make it any less accurate. Yoriko _was_ beautiful.

Her thoughts occupied her as she got ready again for her morning shift. In fact, she was so distracted she almost forgot her phone as she stepped out the door.

As she walked along the mostly-empty sidewalk, she turned her phone on and saw she had two texts. Both from Yoriko.

Touka flushed as she remembered her dream. No, she would not--but it was already too late as she mentally scolded herself for it. Damn it. The things Yoriko could do to her.

 

 **Kosaka Yoriko on March 12th at 6:34**  
Good morning :D look at my sweet child, she was rollin around when i woke up !!!  
[picture]

 

Touka smiled as she looked down at the text and Yoriko's cat on her stomach. She slipped her phone back in her small bag and continued to work. Yomo beat her there and had opened before she arrived.

He waved and tossed her an apron that she barely caught. "Good morning to you too," she snorted. "Nishiki's taking over for me later today."

Yomo nodded. "Got it..." he grimaced. Touka felt like grimacing too. Lately, Nishiki had managed to get into three fights with various customers in a total of two weeks. Not that Touka didn't have her fair share of rude customers, but she didn't provoke them like Nishiki. A younger Touka would have argued with them, would have said a few nasty things back, but not now.

She was the manager now, she had to be the most composed. She absolutely loved that feeling when a patron asked "can I talk to the manager?" and Touka would say yes, and stare expectantly until they realized she was the manager.

The day was nothing special, and soon Nishiki came in and Touka left. Her classes also happened to be nothing extraordinary (though some were tiresome). She turned in that ten-page essay and felt very accomplished with her work. But she knew the mood wouldn't last when she checked her grade.

She got another text from Yoriko as she walked home.

 

 **Kosaka Yoriko on March 12th at 14:02**  
andfkslj when do you get off work today???

 

 **Kirishima Touka on March 12th at 14:03**  
I'm already off. I'm just heading home from classes.

 

 **Kosaka Yoriko on March 12th at 14:03**  
Can I come over?

 

Touka paused and frowned. _Well..._

 **Kirishima Touka on March 12th at 14:06**  
Sure, though you might get there before me

 

 **Kosaka Yoriko on March 12th at 14:06**  
See you then :)

 

Touka stared at the text for a while. All anyone had ever left her with were memories, and she was sick and tired of that. She wanted something else to be left with, too. She wanted to be left with feelings, feelings that didn't go numb over time.

And maybe Yoriko provided that already.

 

* * *

 

 

Yoriko pedaled along with a small smile she left as soon as Touka gave her the go-ahead. It was an excuse to get out of the house. Or so she told herself.

Really, she just wanted to see Touka again. Yesterday, she got to see Touka smile. A real, genuine smile, no matter how small. And a laugh as a bonus. And that left Yoriko with some strange feelings. She wanted to see it again, to hear that awful laugh, even if it was directed at her. She could be laughed at if it meant listening to it again, that natural cadence and rhythm that Touka did not easily fall into.

It left her intoxicated, to see Touka smile like that. Touka nowadays always looked so burdened, so tired. Yoriko wanted to fix that. Touka always seemed to be holding back on something, holding her breath, as if life was a fragile thing, that if so much as breathed on, would collapse around her like a house of cards. Touka always seemed to be suspecting some ulterior motive, some sinister reason, some too-good-to-be-true plot twist. Yoriko could almost half-understand.

It was true Yoriko would never wholly understand Touka as long as she was left in the dark with most of her life--but she didn't get it. What had happened to convince Touka that there was always a catch? It was like Touka had knocked over the house of cards, and was carefully building back up, paranoid at every little thing that threatened to topple it, even if no threat was present. What horrible thing had occurred to overthrow the delicate balance that Touka's life hung in?

Maybe Yoriko would always be in the dark on some things. And maybe that was okay, as long as she got at least a half-truth out of it in the end. A half-truth was better than no truth. Touka had shut Yoriko out while she slowly restored her house of cards, so she only knew what was given.

But Yoriko wasn't dumb. She connected the dots. The CCG raid on the 20th ward, the whispers of the Anteiku ghouls, the fact that Touka herself was a ghoul, and had moved after the invasion. Something happened in the raid that huffed and puffed and blew Touka's house down like the big bad wolf.

Well, whatever it was, just because of that didn't mean Touka's life was an inevitable cycle of dismantling and repairing. Yoriko wanted to show Touka that just because some bad things happened didn't mean life had to be like that--for every good thing, a bad thing, or for every dangerous situation, an even worse situation. She didn't deserve to feel like life was secretly plotting behind her back, weaving intricate events with little threads to hope for here and there as the bad statuses grew larger and worse before life decided to throw the snowball Touka's way.

And frankly, Yoriko was fed up with it. Good things were happening, and they would continue to happen, she thought as she relished the wind in her hair as she escaped the continuous crowd of people in Tokyo to pull into a little apartment complex.

She frowned. There wasn't anywhere to put her bike. She really should have thought that through more, but oh well. She ended resting her bike against a post outside of Touka's apartment.

Yoriko had read Touka's last text with a flash of hope. If she arrived before her, she would have time to plant a little surprise, leave, and pretend to come later so she could play coy and pretend the surprise wasn't from her.

Oh, but another flaw in a plan that seemed so fault-proof prior to actually executing it. What if Touka's apartment was locked? Well, either way, the surprise would be given. It just wouldn't be anonymous (and even then, it was pretty obvious who it could be from). But she was also nervous. It wasn't every day that your friend was about to do something that Yoriko was. And mean it platonically when it wasn't a special occasion (but any occasion with Touka was special, she could argue). Well... or... other than platonic, in Yoriko's case. Maybe.

Honestly, Yoriko didn't know how she meant her surprise. It was just expected to be a sweet gesture, she convinced herself.

Definitely not in a secret admirer-like way.

Because Yoriko knew, that if anything, it wouldn't be appreciated then. Touka probably didn't like her like that anyway. Yoriko herself had been struggling, asking the very redundant question of: _is it gay to have a crush on a girl?_

The obvious answer was yes, yes it was.

Well, Yoriko wouldn't have known that before. She didn't know what to call it, she lacked the vocabulary and understanding because she just didn't see a lot of it in the bubble she lived in. Until she got particularly engrossed in some American TV series that she could never tell her parents she watched. It revolved around the concept of sexuality and experimentation. Yoriko herself couldn't believe she had watched what she did, but she was much more educated from it. She just wished everyone else could be.

Maybe if she got Touka hooked into a show...

No, no. First, Yoriko had the surprise to worry about. She held her bouquet of flowers behind her back with one hand as she tested the doorknob to Touka's apartment. It turned easily under her guidance.

Yoriko blinked in surprise. Well, that was easier for her. But was Touka really so reckless as to leave her door unlocked when she was out? Simple as it was made for her, it was concerning. But whatever, Touka would realize it when she came home.

Yoriko smiled to herself. So she had arrived earlier than Touka, and her problem with the lock wasn't a problem at all! She quietly opened the door, peering cautiously into the house.

The first thing she saw was Touka.

_Oh._

But that wasn't what Yoriko could focus on. The door was fully open, and Touka sat at her kitchen table, with a plate of... of...

There was blood. On the silverware Touka used. On the plate itself. On the... the...

Her eyes.

_Her eyes._

Yoriko was vaguely aware of the flowers dropping behind her.

Touka stared back at her with those eyes.

Her eyes.

The blood.

_Her eyes._

There were those monstrous, demonic eyes that stared at her. They were a bloodthirsty red, red, red, red like the blood on the plate. The bright red against a cold sea of black. Red and black. And that gleam in the eyes, that predatory reflection of light.

She blinked as Touka immediately stood up.

"Y-Yoriko..." she said. The eyes, the eyes... were no longer fiendish. They were back to Touka's regular blue against white with only a gentle highlight that brought life to her eyes. Touka quickly got up and stepped in front of the table, hiding the... the... _food_ from sight.

"I-I'm sorry... sorry you had to... see that," Touka stuttered, seemingly just as rattled as Yoriko, who still stood there, frozen, until she took a deep breath.

She regretted it.

There was that smell in the air, the smell of blood. The heavy, acrid scent overwhelmed Yoriko. She knew what that metallic odor was. Bile rose in her throat as she promptly leaned to the side and gagged, forcing up the remains of her lunch. She stumbled a little as she straightened, almost stepping on the discarded flowers she had long forgotten.

She took gasping, spluttering breaths as she muttered, "Can I... just...." she trailed off and never finished the sentence. Yoriko could feel her stomach writhing in disgust again. She meant to ask _can I just use your bathroom?_ but didn't have the time. She ran into the apartment and found the bathroom, quickly pulling up the toilet lid and seat just in time as she threw up again. And again. 

She was too disoriented to discern the hand rubbing her back as she caught her breath, head against the cold rim of the toilet bowl. She took a shaky breath before reaching for the toilet paper, ripping some off and wiping her mouth with it.

 _Disgusting,_ she thought as she forced herself to calm down. She swallowed with the nasty taste in her mouth and flushed the toilet, only then realizing Touka was there behind her.

Yoriko focused on taking deep breaths as she leaned into the touch.

Then she felt guilty.

Hadn't she promised Touka she was okay with her being a ghoul? Okay with anything that was her? That she would accept her no matter what?

And what had Yoriko done?

She had been terrified of her best friend. She had been grossed out by what her friend was doing. She hadn't even given Touka the flowers.

They sat on the bathroom floor in silence for a few minutes until Touka finally spoke.

"I... I'm sorry... I shouldn't have started eating when I knew you were coming over."

Yoriko looked up to her _not-monster, not-demon_ best friend. Yes, Touka wasn't a monster. Touka was only doing what she had to. Yoriko shook her head.

"I'm the one... who should be sorry... I freaked out. I shouldn't have, because I knew it was just you."

Yoriko did not bring to light the awful thought that had popped into her head.

_Where did you get it?_

She preferred the dark thought stayed where it belonged--in the dark. It was Touka, who didn't deserve to be interrogated for doing something as vital as eating.

"No, really... it was a natural reaction," Touka assured. "But for now... you can... collect yourself. I'll get you a glass of water and... clean up."

Yoriko shook her head.

Touka blinked. "What?"

"Don't clean it up."

"Why?" Touka asked.

"I... I'll watch."

Yoriko watched as Touka shifted uncomfortably. "Uh... are you sure? It's... kind of weird to watch anyone eat, in general..."

Yoriko knew that. "I... need to, Touka. I want... I want you to feel comfortable... doing... things around me. We promised each other no more hiding, right? Well, I want to get used to it... I don't want you to hide."

_I don't want you to shut me out again._

"Really, Yoriko, this isn't necessary. It's not hiding if you know I eat. You don't have to watch it."

"Please. I promise I won't throw up on your floor," Yoriko chuckled as she composed herself.

Touka gave her that small smile she lived to see.

"If you say so..."

Touka led her out of the bathroom, and Yoriko licked her already chapped lips. She really shouldn't be, but she was nervous. It was all her fault in the first place for acting off of assumptions and merely opening the door instead of knocking first. And the _flowers!_ What had she done with them? She hoped she hadn't vomited on them. Ew.

In the hallway, she forced herself to breathe. She forced herself to recognize that yes, it was blood she perceived. That slightly sweet metallic scent wasn't so bad when she could rationalize it, when she didn't deny it.

The kitchen was in sight again, and there rested the plate, with the blood on it from... _from the human meat_ , Yoriko forced herself to acknowledge what it was. She almost gagged again, but steadied herself.

Touka couldn't help it. Touka couldn't eat anything but it. She didn't get a say in the matter.

The thought comforted her a little bit as she forced her steps to be even. Then she realized she still had her shoes on. Oops. She quickly took them off and set them to the side of the door, gathering the flowers she dropped (and thankfully did not throw up on), shutting the door before joining Touka again.

It was weird, being up close to the meat. Grasping the fact that it was _human_ meat was near impossible, but Yoriko repeated it over and over in her head until it was no longer a surprise. She stared at it intensely, forced her eyes to take in the sight of what Touka was eating.

She felt sick again, but was saved from the thoughts when Touka handed her a glass of water.

"Thanks..." Yoriko said as she accepted it, raising it to her lips. She watched Touka give a small nod in reply.

She was so close to the meat. She wanted to say her friend was a cannibal, but that just wasn't right. Touka wasn't a human, but she wasn't a monster, either. She was just like a human psychologically.

Yoriko took a sip and compelled her arm to move, to set the glass and the flowers on the table. On the space across from the plate. She sat stiffly across from Touka, drinking the water and washing down the taste of the regurgitated contents of her stomach.

Touka looked uncomfortable, but silently ate anyway. Yoriko almost looked away a few times, but she promised herself she wouldn't.

Her best friend, Touka, was a _ghoul._ And yes, she ate humans. Only because she had to.

"Um... so... sorry for throwing up... outside your apartment..." Yoriko felt terrible for making Touka so uncomfortable. But she really did feel the need to watch her, to fully accept it, because only then could she grow comfortable with it.

Touka looked up to her, with those red eyes. Those were _not_ the eyes of a monster. They seemed to smile reassuringly at her, just as her lips did every so often. Yoriko even found them sort of fascinating, now that she got over her shock.

"It's fine..." she began. Yoriko hadn't even noticed when Touka finished, she was too focused on her eyes, which turned back to their normal state. "It was a reaction you couldn't control."

Yoriko shrugged. "But I must've made you feel... alienated. So I'm still sorry for freaking out like that."

Touka shrugged in return. "It's seriously fine, Yoriko _. I'm_ fine," Touka said, and Yoriko knew she was lying through her teeth.

No matter how "fine" Touka claimed to be, she didn't _seem_ fine. Sure, she might have smiled at Yoriko a couple of times, but she had seen the shameful expression Touka first wore when Yoriko walked in on her. Touka shouldn't have to have felt ashamed just for eating. Touka shouldn't have felt ashamed because of Yoriko.

She knew it was a lie, but she let it slide. Sometimes, saying you were fine was the easiest lie you could tell, but also the hardest.

Because sometimes, Yoriko thought, you needed to lie to yourself too.

"If you say so..." Yoriko replied as Touka got up to rinse off the dishes.

"I do," Touka replied. "So... the flowers...?"

Yoriko smiled sheepishly. "Um... your apartment is always so bare... I thought you could use a little... lively-ing up? But I guess it kind of turned into an apology gift..." Okay, so maybe she also needed to lie to herself sometimes too. She didn't know where she got the courage in the first place to even purchase the flowers.

"They're just calla lilies."

Touka smiled and took the flowers from the table. "It's a shame I don't have any vases to put these in. But thank you, Yoriko. That's really sweet."

 

 

  
When Yoriko left that evening, she left happily, knowing that Touka now had a cup of calla lilies sitting on her kitchen table.

She was getting on her bike when a young woman approached her, looking fearful and desperate. Yoriko vaguely recognized her to be that Fukuyoshi girl from yesterday.

"Please, you have to help me, my cat, she--" her voice broke, and so did Yoriko's heart for her. Just what could be causing this woman so much distress? "Her tail's stuck under my car! Please..." Fukuyoshi grabbed her wrist.

Yoriko nodded. Whether this woman was Touka's enemy or not, she would always help a cat in need. But her car? How did she manage that? Oh well, it didn't matter.

"Take me to her, I'll see what I can do," Yoriko promised, trying to calm the woman down. _A cat with a tail stuck under a car?_

Fukuyoshi nodded and led Yoriko with a swift pace into the apartment complex's back parking lot. She looked around for a car with a cat under it, but didn't see any? Didn't hear any yowling, hissing, or whimpering either.

She was about to turn back to Fukuyoshi when something made contact with the back of her head.

The last thing she saw was the asphalt rushing to meet her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any cute girl: Hey can you help me with [something I can't help with]  
> Me, a lesbian: of course!!!  
> Me, ten seconds later: wait what
> 
> I have a tg tumblr, so go scream at me @sasako-haisse (my main is @underthemapletree)


	5. Approaching the Cave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: there's some gore in this chapter and a short fight scene! Also swearing.

Touka finished cleaning up the vomit outside her apartment. It was disgusting, but she'd done worse. It was a few minutes after Yoriko had left, and when Touka looked up, she noticed the yellow and white bike leaning against a post right outside where she lived.

It looked familiar, but Touka shrugged it off. How long had it been there? She'd probably never noticed it before because it was so inoffensive, sitting harmlessly and subtly and attracting no attention to itself.

She thought nothing more of it and went back inside.

Her eyes immediately went to the calla lilies on her kitchen table. It was a sweet gesture, an awkward kindness from Yoriko. She always wondered what she did to deserve such a light in her life.

And she knew that if she ever voiced the thought, Yoriko would be there to say Touka didn't have to do anything, that Touka didn't have to prove the worth she was inviolably born with, the worth everyone was born with.

The thought left her warm as she stared at the white flowers. She hated it. Or did she hate that she loved it? But either way, she couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong.

Something so good could only happen if something equally or more horrible were going to occur. That was just life, and Touka had learned to deal with it (but that didn't mean she had to accept it, a voice whispered).

She shot glances out the window as she tried to pay attention to what was on TV, but she couldn't. Usually, those feelings didn't last, but this glued onto to her thoughts. What was wrong with her? Maybe she just needed to compartmentalize all that had happened today.

Guilt mingled with the apprehension, hateful and hurtful and altogether unkind. If Touka could go back in time, she would've changed what Yoriko had seen. But Yoriko had been very insistent on joining her. Oh well, what's done was done. But that didn't mean she had to be happy about it.

Yoriko looked at her at first like she was some monster. Touka didn't like that feeling, hell, she didn't like a lot of emotions.

Again, she stared past the glass. At the bike. Whose bike even was it?

Yoriko's? Her mind threw out the answer as quickly as it entered. That couldn't be right. Yoriko left, she had probably walked to her house. Oh, god, but she hadn't seen the bike before Yoriko came. She wouldn't forget something so big, would she? The dark place in her mind supplied unwanted guesses.

What if Yoriko didn't make it home?

But that wasn't a possibility either. If Yoriko forgot her bike, then she must have been stopped right outside Touka's apartment. She would've heard something.

And if she didn't make it home, what stopped her?

No, no. Touka was making assumptions based off of little evidence. For fuck's sake, all she knew was that there was a bike outside, and it could have been anyone's. She hated herself for going off like that.

To ease her mind, she sent off a text to Yoriko. She would probably get a reply. So there was nothing to worry about.

 **Kirishima Touka on March 13th at 19:43**  
What're you up to?

She waited. There was no immediate response. _You moron_ , she scolded herself. Of course, there wasn't going to be any immediately. Yoriko couldn't have her phone on her all the time.

She was worried and annoyed at the same time. She was concerned about what it might mean, but irritated because if she fretted over nothing and it wasn't even Yoriko's, whoever left their damn bike was going to catch these hands.

So Touka waited. A few minutes passed, and still no reply.

She got fidgety and restless, so she finally decided to go out. Where, she didn't know, but she had to do something. She couldn't stand to sit there and do nothing (literally and figuratively).

She didn't remember where Yoriko lived, but oh well. Touka got on her worn-out running shoes and stepped outside.

Luckily, she didn't ponder where to go for long.

Or maybe unluckily.

With Touka's enhanced sense of smell, she picked up the scent of blood. And it wasn't coming from Fukuyoshi's apartment.

She was on high alert as she rounded the corner to follow the scent trail into the back parking lot. Touka glanced around, but there didn't seem to be anyone there. She felt herself swallow, tension rising as she continued toward one of the alleyways that lined the back of the complex. Trepidation choked her with each soft, quick breath she took. Her steps slowed as she approached one of the allies, where the smell of blood was strongest.

Her heart sank when she realized it wasn't just any blood she was smelling. It was that same sweet, intoxicating aroma that followed Yoriko around.

She froze for only a second to take in what she saw as she stood by the head of the dark, shadowed alley.

Yoriko lay unmoving, her body propped against a stack of crates. Blood dripped down her neck and shoulder from the back of her head. Her usually light hair was stained red in some places. Half of her face was scratched and bruised; her lip was split open and blood trickled down from the corner of her mouth.

But her face wasn't the most concerning thing by far.

There was a gaping wound in one of her shoulders, so deep Touka could swear she could almost see white. Beside her crouched a disgustingly familiar ghoul, black-and-blonde hair obscuring her face as she moved Yoriko's shirt aside to bite into her stomach.

Fukuyoshi Mariko lifted her head, blood dripping down her chin and ghoulish eyes glaring up at Touka. All Touka could see was the red spilling from Yoriko's fresh wound.

It all lasted a heartbeat, but Touka took it in with such gruesome detail that it felt like an eternity had passed.

Anger quickly kicked in. _What the fuck?_ Fukuyoshi knew Yoriko was of importance to her since the day before, so it wasn't much of a stretch to believe that she had done this with the intention of making her suffer. She probably purposely attacked Yoriko outside her home just so Touka could watch.

Okay, that was one thing, but _Yoriko?_ White, hot fury coursed through Touka.

Unlike Touka, Yoriko would not regenerate.

"Want a bite? I don't mind sharing." Fukuyoshi smiled at her.

She clenched her fists and let out a cry as she rushed toward the ghoul, her kakugan turning her eyes red. She flung her leg out at Fukuyoshi, kicking her in the stomach as she was in the process of getting up. Fukuyoshi coughed up red from being slammed against the wall that lined the alleyway.

"Get away from her!" Touka shouted as she released her kagune.

Fukuyoshi growled and stood, her own tail-like kagune forming from the base of her spine.

Shit, shit, shit. Touka didn't have time to fight! She needed to help Yoriko! Touka snarled as she forced her panic down, "Run, or I'll rip your head off!"

Fukuyoshi's lip curled in a sneer of disgust as she clutched her stomach, "Guess Kirishima came to defend her little human friend after all. Pathetic." She lashed out with her kagune, just barely missing Touka as she dodged, scaling the wall and landing on the roof of whatever building it was. She needed to get to higher ground.

She fired shards down on Fukuyoshi, but had to stop once she ran over to Yoriko. She wouldn't threaten Yoriko's safety as well. Dammit. Touka needed to call an ambulance. That's what humans did when they were severely injured, right?

Touka didn't have time to think about it because the next thing she knew, she was falling off the building, a long, bikaku limb piercing her abdomen, sending sharp waves of pain rolling through her whole body. Touka was slammed to the pavement with a dull thud, a groan escaping her as she heard a sickening crack. So much for her ribs. Her kagune had long disappeared, she needed the energy for healing. She gasped as the limb retracted from her stomach, leaving her with a gaping hole.

She watched through half-closed eyes as her blood stained the ground around her. She couldn't breathe. She felt like a popped balloon trying to blow back up again. No matter how much she gasped for breath, she only seemed to need more. Still, there was only one thought going through her mind:

_Yoriko, Yoriko, Yoriko._

She had to get up. Touka struggled to a kneeling position, one hand on the ground for support, gritting her teeth as fresh stabs of agony tore through her just from moving with the big stomach wound.

Fukuyoshi watched with cold eyes. "What were you saying about ripping my head off?" she taunted.

Touka couldn't bring herself to reply. Partially because her thoughts were elsewhere, but mostly because she was already struggling to get oxygen into her damaged lungs that were beginning to heal.

Yoriko was her top priority. Fukuyoshi could wait. Touka staggered to her feet and stumbled over to Yoriko. God, Yoriko had already lost so much blood. It was everywhere.

She collapsed again by Yoriko's side. Fukuyoshi stood by, watching with that cruel smirk of hers.

"Your friend's probably a goner, Kirishima. Isn't that just too bad?"

Touka glared at her but said nothing. She held Yoriko's wrist, desperately searching for a pulse. And she found it, though it was weak. But it was there. She was alive.

Touka's head snapped up as Fukuyoshi fled the scene. She didn't understand why until she saw a group of humans fearfully huddled at the mouth of the alley, one talking rapidly into the phone. Touka hoped they called an ambulance.

Fuck. If they saw Touka, she was dead. She threw the hood of her torn sweatshirt over her head, keeping her head down as she ran out the way she had come. It would be safer for both of them that way, if Touka fled as well. Getting caught by the CCG would do nothing for Yoriko, and it was much better if other humans were there to respond to the emergency care people that would come.

Touka's clothes were ruined and bloodied. She couldn't go back to her apartment either; she would risk being seen like this. So instead, she ran along the chain of small allies until she deemed it far enough away and hopped onto the roof of another building to watch what happened. In was a good thing hardly anyone bothered looking up. She would have to stake out there until nightfall. She didn't know where Fukuyoshi went, and she didn't care at the moment. She was busy watching what happened aways below. She could barely make out the silhouettes of the group of humans and Yoriko from where she sat.

Touka let her shoulders slump in relief when she saw an ambulance had arrived and took Yoriko away. But that didn't mean she was alright. But it was all that could be done.

How had this happened? If only Touka had stood and watched Yoriko leave like she did yesterday, then maybe she wouldn't be in danger, she wouldn't have bled onto the cold concrete in that damn ally.

She knew that distancing herself from Yoriko wouldn't keep the human any safer. She was just as likely to run into ghouls that would eat her with or without Touka. But really, if Touka was there, she could protect Yoriko. The safest place for both of them was by each other's sides. But now Yoriko was at the hospital (or hopefully was).

Touka had never been to a hospital, though she had seen plenty on TV and had heard about them. She wanted to visit Yoriko at least while she was there.

If she survived, a dark part of her mind thought.

Touka would never forgive herself if Yoriko didn't. So she had to. She had to. Yoriko had to survive so that Touka could buy her flowers in return for those Yoriko had given her, so she could do all those things she dreamed of doing together.

And maybe even ask her out.

It was just a fantasy at the moment, but... that was still something Touka wanted to do while she had the chance. The flowers meant that at least Yoriko liked her decently, right? She had a chance. Or so she hoped she did.

  
It was well into the night when Touka finally moved from her perch, completely healed. She wanted to be concealed in the shadows.

Above her, clouds covered the stars (and pollution did that quite a bit already) and most of the light in the city came from the streetlamps on the corners. Touka made extra sure to keep her wits about herself, just in case she ran into Fukuyoshi again. Damn, she really hoped that woman got put into Cochlea for what she did to Yoriko.

Touka slunk back to her apartment with little difficulty. She only had to wait to cross the road a few times. The ghoul slowly opened her door.

Oh, wait.

She forgot to lock it. She needed to remember to. One day she would come home to some freak in her apartment, but she was ( _especially)_ thankful that today was not that day.

The first thing she did was throw off her dirty clothes that were probably beyond repair and step into the shower. It soothed her mentally and physically. Even in general, stepping under hot water was a nice feeling she relished in.

Though it soothed her, it wasn't enough to completely calm her lingering worries. It felt better to wash off all the icky dried blood and grime from the alley, though she would never honestly wash the horror of the memory away like she could the tangible evidence of it.

When she turned off the water, her dark thoughts all came crashing back into her as she stared at herself in the foggy bathroom mirror.

Was Yoriko in pain? Probably. Did she hate Touka for leaving her alone long enough for that to happen? Would she hate Touka if Yoriko ever found out that she fought Fukuyoshi instead of immediately calling an ambulance? That she had trivialized her life over her anger?

And even if Yoriko didn't hate her, that didn't stop the CCG from investigating near her home after those humans told authorities about what they saw. Not only did she have another ghoul living next door to her, but said ghoul was also hostile and might even rat her out. If Fukuyoshi said nothing out of fear of being caught herself, that wouldn't stop the doves from figuring out the two ghouls lived in the area. And then Fukuyoshi's little hunting trips could end poorly for the two of them.

But Touka knew the pattern all too well by now.

Once ghouls in the ward made a scene, it was time to move. It was time to start over. Or if it was a case that would only make you look more suspicious, you stayed and risked starvation. Held off on hunting and scavenging to hide away and convince the CCG the ghouls involved were the only ones in the area.

Worst case scenario, like the Anteiku raid, you did both.

Touka worried her lip as she dried herself off and put on her pajamas. There was so much going on, and it was all so stressful. She didn't want to think about it, all she wanted her thoughts to be of was Yoriko.

Preferably not one bleeding out onto the pavement in an alley.

Ugh! She was doing it again! She was thinking about it. She growled to herself and stormed into her small living room. She curled up on her couch and turned on the TV.

The news was what her TV was on, and Touka couldn't bring herself to move to change the channel when she heard the reporter talking.

 _"Down in the 20th ward, a young woman became victim to a ghoul_ _attack and was quickly rushed to the hospital when a witness intervened. The victim is currently in urgent care. Witnesses claimed that there were two ghouls at the scene, and it seemed one was fighting the other. Some have speculated that this second ghoul may have been defending the injured woman. The CCG is investigating the case, and as always, they advise you to try not to go out after dark and to travel with a friend. Tokyo News will continue to keep you updated on any discoveries and the victim's condition."_

Touka swallowed as the TV cut to commercials and advertisements. Well, at least she knew Yoriko was alive.

For now.

God, now that she knew they were keeping tabs on the case, it all seemed much more real. And she didn't like it. Reluctantly, Touka kept the TV on well into the night just in case anything about Yoriko's condition changed.

Touka doubted she would have slept well anyway, not with her mind occupied. The TV was still on when she passed out on the couch some time way too early in the morning. She managed to get some sleep, but it felt restless and unwholesome when her mind was plagued with the usual rounds of nightmares.

Except in these nightmares, it wasn't a crowd of different people that kept Touka from reaching Yoriko. Whenever she looked up at all the people, their faces were all Fukuyoshi's, laughing down at her in cold pity and amusement at Touka's struggle.

Despite their pity, they only pushed harder against Touka. "Haha! You're so weak! So much for taking off my head," one sneered and managed to shove her to the ground.

Fukuyoshi leaned over her with that cruel smile painting her face. If it weren't a dream, Touka imagined she would be able to feel her breath against her cheek. All she could see was Fukuyoshi's demonic eyes, that red against black that was all too intimidating as she whispered into Touka's ear:

"Now, now, no need to be in such a rush..." Fukuyoshi gave a small giggle.

"After all, she's not going anywhere anytime soon."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this was posted a little late! I was getting surgery done ^^; 
> 
> Thanks for reading! I was kind of nervous about writing the fight scene, so any criticism on that is appreciated!
> 
> My tumblr is @underthemapletree but my tg blog is @sasako-haisse! If you want to scream at me about chapter 178 you are welcome to afjkdljs


	6. The Page of Wands and the Wheel of (Mis)Fortune

Touka woke the next morning to her annoyingly loud alarm. It was in her _bedroom,_ too.

She groggily stumbled from her resting spot on the couch, muttering under her breath.

"Damn thing..." She sighed as she finally made it to her nightstand to turn it off. She was beyond exhausted. She couldn't pick her shoulders up for the life of her, and her eyelids seemed to be pushed down by some invisible force. Touka's poor muscles ached from being curled up on the couch over the night, and the places where her wounds from yesterday had been sent a dull throb through her body.

She rubbed her eyes and ambled back into the living room, where the TV was still on. Touka wasn't looking forward to her electricity bill this month. Then again, she never was.

But Touka slouched even more when she remembered why she had slept like she did yesterday in the first place. She picked up the remote off the coffee table and turned the screen off.

Touka had had enough of rummaging through the troubles her mind both thought of and made up. Whatever happened to Yoriko happened, and nothing she could imagine would change it. As far as she knew, they hadn't updated the viewers on Yoriko's condition. Or maybe she'd fallen asleep before they did.

She didn't know, and she couldn't bring herself to look it up. When (read: if) Yoriko came-to, what would she think of the news reports? Would she believe them, or Touka's own story? And if she did believe them, what would she think of her?

Touka didn't think she could bear the thought of the rejection if Yoriko were to call her a monster.

But somewhere, she knew the human was too gentle to do that.

That's not what her mind tried to convince her though. _No, no._ She wouldn't dwell. Dwelling what couldn't be helped was never good. Touka knew this. Still, it prodded at the back of her mind as she got ready.

For what, she didn't know; Touka had decided at some point that she would not be attending classes that day. But she needed to be doing _something_. Anything. As long as she was moving.

Touka made her way to the bathroom, where she had to stare at herself for a long moment. She looked like a walking corpse. She looked exhausted (probably because she was). Dark bags hung under her slightly unfocused eyes. Oh well. She would wake up with a run or something. Yeah, that sounded good. It would help clear her head too.

She slipped on her running shoes but hesitated when she reached the door. Her nightmare replayed in her head, Fukuyoshi laughing over her with cold pity in her eyes. Touka squeezed her eyes shut and forced herself to put her hand to the doorknob. Only then did she reopen them.

 _You paranoid idiot,_ Touka told herself. It's not like she would do that in public.

_Would she?_

_No, no. Shut up._ Touka locked her jaw and twisted the knob, holding her breath as she slowly opened the plain door. Her eyes almost wondered to the peephole, but she knew that if she tried to look, she would become even more neurotic.

Touka felt silly when nothing but pavement, asphalt, lights, and a bike greeted her.

_Oh._

It took Touka another minute to make sure she didn't slam the door behind her. Her fists clenched by her side, her fingernails digging in so hard she probably would have drawn blood if not for her tough ghoul skin. She thickly swallowed as she stared at the yellow and white bike.

It was so innocent, just sitting there as it was. It made Touka's stomach do summersaults. There was just something that made it seem more incriminating, the more it stared right back at her as if to scream 'your fault! Your fault!'

She pursed her lips. So the bike was Yoriko's. What would Touka do with it? She couldn't just leave it there for someone to come along and steal. As much as she hated the bike, it would be unfortunate. Until Touka realized that there was a lock connecting the bike to the post. Then maybe it would be fine, and Touka wouldn't have to do anything with it except perhaps gaze at it and feel guilty.

Touka had long realized that she wasn't good with hiding her emotions, especially when it came to her quick temper. That wouldn't mean she would admit it, though, especially not as she walked past Fukuyoshi's apartment, which could have been any other, same plain door and silver address. Touka swallowed again, scratching against her suddenly dry throat unpleasantly. Her steps slowed and softened significantly at the sight of the apartment number as if she were creeping around a sleeping dragon. And she wasn't sure where she got the association, but Touka desperately did not want to wake it, let alone twist the dragon's tail.

Her reaction was so pathetic Touka could've laughed at herself. But she didn't, because the fear that washed over her and forced itself down her throat filled her with anxious, crashing waves of disquiet.

Her foot stepped on something that wasn't the ground. The ghoul froze. Touka glanced down to find the stem of a flattened, tattered calla lily under her foot. She picked her foot up. By the looks of it, the poor flower had been stepped on many more times before Touka came along. The remaining previously white petals were stained a dirty blackish color with the stem smashed and its sap already bled.

It was morbid enough to make her snap out of her fearful trance. Touka let out a soft breath.

If Yoriko was something like a calla lily, Touka hoped she was not squashed like the delicate flower before her.

That only made her feel more guilty. Touka shoved her hands into her hoodie pockets, head down as she let her feet guide her. She really shouldn't have been so absentminded, not when she looked up to realize her own two legs had carried her to the back alleys.

She bit into her bottom lip as she stared at the bright yellow tape that closed off the alley she fought in last night. CCG officers were about.

"Excuse me, miss." Touka looked up to find an officer giving her a curious look. She mentally berated herself for her lack of attentiveness. How long had she just been standing there? "Can I help you?"

Touka's eyes widened when she took in the appearance of the stranger.

Or not-stranger, rather.

The investigator wore the typical CCG field uniform. His face was nothing extraordinary; it could have been anyone's. _If only it was._ But it wasn't just anyone's--that face belonged to none other than the former coworker she knew as Kaneki Ken.

Touka felt her mouth gape slightly but quickly closed it. She could feel the blood drain from her face. What kind of cruel and unusual punishment was this?

His hair. Kaneki's hair was fluffier than when she last saw it. Black roots started to grow atop all the white. His scent was a bit different now; he smelled less of coffee and more of papers, but there was still the distinct female ghoul-male human combination.

Kaneki--or _was_ he Kaneki? The officer tilted his head at her silence, eyebrows slightly furrowed in concern.

"...Miss...? Are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost."

Touka might as well have.

She wouldn't have recognized his voice if she didn't know his face. It had been so long since she heard it, but he sounded... different. Happier, maybe. Or perhaps lighter was the better word. Like there the weight that held him down after he escaped from Aogiri's hideout was nonexistent.

The investigator silently sealed what looked like an evidence bag with his gloved hands as he awkwardly fidgetted under Touka's gaze. Did he really not recognize her? And what was he doing, working with the CCG? The very organization that killed her mother and used her father to create their sickening "Arata armor"? Who made weapons out of dead ghouls' kagune? Out of Ryouko Fueguchi's? And so, so many others.

"Ah... no, thank you. Sorry..." Touka trailed off when the investigator smiled at her. It wasn't uncertain and shy like Kaneki's, but much more confident. Still a bit nervous, but more genuine.

"Oh, it's fine! I understand people live around here, and I wasn't sure if you needed something," the investigator replied sheepishly.

"No, sorry... I just... saw what happened on the news, and..." Touka lied through her teeth. "It was kind of hard to believe, I guess..." She could see a couple of other investigators cleaning up the alley beyond... whoever Kaneki was now. A Kaneki who didn't know her name.

Maybe it was better that way, if he didn't remember.

"Ah, I see. I'm very sorry, miss, but I should get back to work if you don't need anything--or rather, I can't be of any help," he gave a self-deprecating laugh as he turned around, rushing over to a blonde investigator with the evidence bag.

"Sorry, Akira..." Touka heard from behind her as she walked away. God. She was so stupid. What was she thinking, coming back there? And for what?

"It's fine. Just stop going off at every distraction and help clean this up, Haise," Touka could only guess the blonde female investigator, Akira, said. Touka did recognize her a little bit.

_Haise._

So that was his name now. It sounded like his last name, but "Akira" definitely seemed like a first name. Well, who was she to judge? Maybe it was his first name.

Touka both hated and was grateful for the distraction. But no distraction could take away what had been done. No matter how much she wished it could.

No distraction could change the fact that Yoriko was in the hospital.

And no distraction could change that Touka was the one who was at least partially responsible for putting her there.

 

  
She growled to herself before shoving her earbuds in her ears. She really fucked things up this time. And for the first time in a few months, she ran to relieve herself. Not because she was in danger or being chased. She felt a strange satisfaction in that.

When she returned to her apartment, lightly panting and sweaty, she checked her phone and found she received a text from an unfamiliar number.

 

 **XXX-XXX-XXXX on March 14th 11:02**  
hey toka ths is yoruko! im txtinh from my mothwrs pone

 

Touka froze as she read the message. From Yoriko.

A little flame of joy lit in her chest. Yoriko was alive. And, if Yoriko was still texting her, then that meant she at least didn't consider Touka some inhuman being unworthy of her words. Not yet, at least.

 

 **XXX-XXX-XXXX on March 14th 11:05**  
its hrd to typee sorry

 

 **Kirishima Touka on March 14th 11:05**  
How you doing??

 **XXX-XXX-XXXX on March 14th 11:05**  
ok

 

 **Kirishima Touka on March 14th 11:05**  
You need anything???

 

 **XXX-XXX-XXXX on March 14th 11:06**  
nohin they arnt alredy givin me

 

 **Kirishima Touka on March 14th 11:06**  
Get better soon, I was so worried. Can you give me your address?

 **XXX-XXX-XXXX on March 14th 11:07**  
uh my hme or whre i am now?

 

 **Kirishima Touka on March 14th, 11:07**  
Both please

 

 **XXX-XXX-XXXX on March 14th 11:07**  
on minut

 

Touka sighed and waited, but while she did, she added the number in her contacts.

 

 **Mrs. Kosaka on March 14th, 11:10**  
ill type ths carflly 4 u ok

 **Mrs. Kosaka on March 14th, 11:13**  
home: [address]  
hospital: idk but acordin to my fatger its the 3rd buldin from the west entrnce

 

 **Kirishima Touka on March 14th 11:13**  
Thank you. Are your parents there??

 **Mrs. Kosaka on March 14th 11:14**  
ofc dummy

 

 **Kirishima Touka on March 14th 11:14**  
Ask them if it would be okay if I brought flowers for them to give to you since I probably can't give them to you myself

 **Kirishima Touka on March 14th 11:14**  
Since you probably can only have family visitors

 **Mrs. Kosaka on March 14th 11:15**  
aw sweet

 **Mrs. Kosaka on March 14th 11:16**  
their fin w/it

 

 **Kirishima Touka on March 14th 11:16**  
Alright. I'll be there soon

 

Touka sighed. She hoped Yoriko's parents were patient enough to wait, but something told her they weren't going to leave the human's side just yet. She had only met her parents a few times, but they seemed friendly enough.

Touka knew she should probably shower, but that didn't matter at the moment. Yoriko was awake, and Touka's priority was making sure the human was cared for and comfortable. It was the least she could do.

Touka opened the door again, and as she closed it, gave a small smile to the calla lilies in the vase on her kitchen table. They were beautiful and looked very out of place in Touka's barren apartment. The ghoul paid the bike no mind and rushed to the nearest flower shop, where she usually got flowers to decorate :re.

The employee greeted her, knowing Touka by name now, "Welcome, Kirishima. Another bouquet?"

And Touka smoothly replied, "Yep. Just for a friend."

The employee nodded with a wink. "I'm sure. Well, any occasion? Or any significance this 'friend' has? I could help you pick out a few flowers," she said as she approached Touka.

Touka sighed. "It's fine. For now, I think I know what I want." She nodded and let Touka pick out said flowers.

Touka ended up handing a few calla lilies, daisies, and gardenias to the cashier, who sent her a smirk.

"You're so forward with your choice of flowers, Kirishima. Hope this 'friend' isn't well versed in their hidden language," she joked as she put the flowers into a small pink wrapping. "They're all so... colorless. But I think... it fits."

Touka shrugged as she put the yen on the counter. "Maybe. Thank you," she said.

"Yeah. Thank you, have a nice day!" the cashier waved as Touka left with the bundle of flowers in her tight grip. _Have a nice day._ She'd heard that before that day. From "Haise". But she didn't want to think about him right now.

She knew the general location of Kanou General Hospital, and she was thankful to know that it was the third building to the west entrance, but... which way was west?

Touka sighed fished out her phone with one hand. She had to go through the trouble of looking up a map of Tokyo (the things she did for Yoriko). Her heart leaped in joy when she finally found where she needed to go and put her phone away, setting a brisk, purposeful pace for the journey.

When she reached the building she was supposed to be in, she sent out a text to Yoriko's mother's phone.

A few minutes later a couple made their way to the waiting area. Touka stood up from where she sat to greet the familiar parents, though they looked--older? Perhaps more wrinkled than she remembered.

"Touka..." Yoriko's mother addressed. "It's been a while, dear."

Touka gave them a small smile. "It has... I'm sorry we had to meet again like this. How's Yoriko?"

The mother gave her a smile of her own. "She's doing just fine. She says she feels alright. But that's probably just the medicine speaking, and I don't really believe her. Last night she had to have a pancreas transplant and several staples and stitches. And of course, a blood transfusion. I doubt she's feeling completely better."

Touka swallowed thickly. She hated emotions, so she forced them down. "I see... when will she be discharged?"

"They think in three days she can come home."

The father stayed silent, casting Touka the occasional glance but otherwise ignoring her gaze. Touka felt guilt swamp her.

He blamed her for his daughter's injuries.

Touka compelled herself to nod stiffly. "Have they found the ghoul who did this?"

Yoriko's mother shook her head. "No, not yet. They say they're setting up patrols near the area. I hope they find that monster soon," she growled, uncharacteristically malicious.

Touka nearly winced. Well, she couldn't blame her, Fukuyoshi had done quite a number on her daughter.

If only Touka had been there.

_If only, if only, if only._

What a disgustingly familiar phrase.

"Can you... give these to her, please?" Touka held out the flowers. "Is she still awake?"

The other shook her head. "She's resting now. But we'll tell her the flowers are from you when she wakes up." Yoriko's mother accepted the flowers. "Thank you for your concerns. I'll leave my phone with Yoriko so she can text you. We've heard a lot about you, you know."

Touka's cheeks were dusted with a light blush. "Oh... I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing."

"...A good thing, a very good thing," the woman chuckled. "She adores you. It was nice seeing you, Touka."

Touka gave a small bow. "It was nice seeing you too, Mrs. Kosaka. I'm deeply sorry to hear about your daughter's accident."

Her mother smiled, the corners of her eyes wrinkling more than they were. "Stop apologizing. There was nothing you could do."

 _But there was,_ Touka wanted to protest. But she wasn't that rude, so she held her tongue.

They parted ways when she was sure the flowers would be given to Yoriko.

 

* * *

 

 

When Yoriko woke up from her nightmare in her hospital bed again, the first thing she saw was the bouquet of flowers.

The room was dim and her parents were gone and she was all alone in that sterile, clean room. She clutched the bedsheets so tightly her knuckles turned white. Her head throbbed painfully as she curled in on herself, despite the doctor's warnings of reopening several wounds.

Yoriko knew she probably wouldn't sleep again. But the sight of the flowers comforted her.

She reached for the flowers. She could recognize calla lilies and daisies, but the other flower remained foreign. She couldn't read the card in the dark room, but she didn't have to read it to know it was from Touka.

Yoriko gave a tired smile at the thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :0 if you've read chapter 179 of tg:re, tell me what you think about it!!! 
> 
> And a question for you guys: What kind of hero do you think Kaneki is??? I personally think he's an unwilling hero, but more of an antihero towards og tg and the beginning of the end of tg:re. Not sure what type of hero I really put Sasaki as?
> 
> Anyways, my main tumblr is @underthemapletree and my tg blog is @sasako-haisse
> 
> Thanks for reading!!


	7. Visits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: There's mild unintentional self-harm in this chapter!

If there was something Kosaka Yoriko realized that night she was rushed to the hospital, it was that she was always, in one way or another, relying on others.

"Dad, really, please don't blame Touka," Yoriko muttered.

"I'm not--"

"I can see it on your face," Yoriko cut her father off as she combed her hair. Her father sighed from where he sat on a stool with wheels that he had pulled up to her bed.

"Yoriko..." he trailed off. It was unlike him to do so.

Yoriko swallowed and shot him a small glare from behind her hair she was detangling. It turned out that being dragged around on the ground wasn't really the best for its condition, even after she washed it in the sponge bath.

Everyone told her that her head wounds should've been the worst of her pains by far, but she seemed fine, maybe with a headache every now and then. Yoriko had just assumed that the treatment was working well.

"Touka's kind. She never wanted this to happen, and she didn't have any control over it," Yoriko continued as she did her best to avoid brushing the places where her injuries had been. She set the comb down to look up at her father.

There were wrinkles from furrowing his eyebrows so much as he did then. "I know," he responded after a moment of silence.

Yoriko was not in a good mood. She wanted to laugh at that. "Then why?" she asked.

"She was the one who invited you over--"

"I came on my own free will, and I was actually the one who asked to come," Yoriko cut him off again. She was tired of arguing, so she ended the discussion, "The only one responsible for this was that ghoul."

Her father frowned but said nothing more.

Good.

Yoriko wasn't really in the mood to talk to him anyways, let alone about the accident. All he did was complain about how much this was costing him and put the blame on others. Maybe her mother would be better company if she weren't working. The only person she wanted to see was Touka.

Yet another thing Yoriko relied on others for.

For money, for treatment, for conversation.

Could she ever do something by herself?

Yoriko outwardly frowned and slowly raised her hand to the back of her head, where she ran her fingertips over the jagged scar there. Her eyes trailed to the flowers Touka left, a bouquet of white.

It was almost taunting her. Since the night before, when she couldn't read the card, she concluded she didn't want to, actually. She could have looked up the flowers and their meanings, but she set it aside and decided without deciding to leave it.

Yoriko tried to squish it down, but hope rose back up stubbornly like a spring once the weight holding it down was removed. But hoping for what?

Really, it was silly.

 _What, a confession of_ love? _You think that just because she took pity on someone that she loves them? Loves_ you, _nonetheless,_ a voice chuckled in her head.

Yoriko knew that chuckle well. It existed in her nightmares from last night--it existed in a past that she didn't want to relive. It belonged to the monster that lived next door to Kirishima Touka.

Yoriko tugged at her hair as she revisited it anyways.

The asphalt against her face was something she recalled with disturbing detail. The shock she initially felt, the dull, ringing ache it brought, the burning agony in the back of her head, then the sharp stabs of pain as pieces of gravel dug into her cheek.

Everything after that was nearly nonexistent. She couldn't remember. Her memory was like a patchwork quilt, haphazardly sewn together with fragments of various memories that she couldn't place the order of.

From there, she could just remember drifting in and out of consciousness, a migraine pounding against her skull, some distant shouting, siren wailing.

"Yoriko!"

Her father was gripping her wrists gently, trying to pry her hands from her hair. Yoriko startled and looked up, now aware of the pricks of pain along her scalp. Her dad slowly let go of her hands. When Yoriko dropped them into her lap, she noticed the strands of hair she had pulled out.

"Sorry..." Yoriko whispered. Her father looked so concerned, his eyebrows furrowed and worry etched into the lines on his face. Guilt wracked against her ribs violently, screaming and berating her for being stupid.

"So... can I use your phone to text Touka?" she desperately tried to distract him. She didn't want to see him worry like that, even if he wasn't much help.

Yoriko didn't know what happened to her phone. She assumed it was a casualty of the attack, or maybe Fuk--that ghoul stole it. She didn't like the name anymore.

Her father sighed but handed over his phone. Yoriko flashed him a smile of thanks and first had to text her mother to get Touka's phone number (it wasn't like she committed it to memory--she barely remembered it. Contacts were there for a reason).

 

 **Kosaka on March 14th 11:22**  
hey touka!! its me again from my fathers phone sorry

 

Yoriko was about to put the phone back down when she got an immediate reply. She blinked a few times before reading it.

 

 **Kirishima Touka on March 14th 11:22**  
Hey Yoriko, can I come visit?

 

She looked up from her father's phone to look at the owner in question. Yoriko sighed and looked at the time on the phone before telling him, "You should probably get something to eat."

Her father nodded, already picking up on her actual motives. "Well, tell Touka I say hi. I'll leave my phone with you for now." Her dad flashed her a knowing smile and a poorly executed wink.

Yoriko blushed slightly but smirked back. "I will."

Her little crush on Touka hadn't gone unnoticed. Ever since their reunion, she texted Touka nonstop, staying up way later than she should have just to send her pictures of her cat. Her mother teased her and asked what boy she was texting, then guessing if it was Takeomi--Yoriko hardly surprised her by telling her it was Touka.

Oh. Speaking of home... her cat. She wondered how she was doing. But that could wait until her father returned to ask him. She still had something to do.

Yoriko texted Touka back an affirmative. She was allowed visitors that weren't family now that the worst of the recovery was apparently over.

But it was just her luck when the CCG was literally knocking at her hospital room door a few minutes later. Yoriko assumed at one point or another they would be there to ask her some questions, but it still gave her a mild surprise.

"Excuse me. Are you Kosaka Yoriko?"

It was only two investigators. A young woman and her subordinate. They were friendly enough, exchanged some pleasantries and introduced themselves politely.

"How are you, Kosaka?" the woman asked patiently. "Hope you're recovering well."

Yoriko gave a polite nod. "Yes, I am, thank you."

"That's good. I was wondering if you can recall anything at all about the incident?" she asked. She wasn't unkind, but Yoriko was starting to get the feeling she had better things to be doing. It wasn't by her voice, just by the nonmanual signals she was giving. Like the slightly furrowed eyebrow, the silent glances at her pupil.

"Not much," Yoriko admitted. "I was unconscious most of the attack. Sorry I can't be of more help."

"That's alright. Can you tell us how exactly it started?"

Yoriko gave a small nod. She was hesitant. One wrong word could get Touka under interrogation--or worse.

"Um... I was walking home from my friend's house when a woman asked for help. I don't remember much of her appearance other than that she had black hair. The woman led me to her car before..." Yoriko furrowed her eyebrows. What had she done?

"Before... she... I think she hit me with something and I fell to the ground. I don't remember anything after that."

The investigator nodded. "I see. Who was this friend of yours?"

Yoriko swallowed again and licked her lips. "I--Her name is Kirishima Touka. She lived in the apartment complex nearby where the attack was."

The investigator nodded. Yoriko paled when she noticed the woman wrote Touka's name down.

 _Crap. Crap._ What if she just got her friend in trouble? No. The CCG certainly didn't know Touka's real identity--did they?

"Well, thank you for your time, Kosaka," the woman straightened and stood up, giving her a polite bow.

Yoriko returned the bow as best as she could while sitting. "Of course."

Only when the door closed again did Yoriko let out a small sigh. She checked her father's phone.

Touka had replied with an _"Alright I'll be there!"_ Yoriko smiled down at the screen.

Touka usually wasn't gentle with people, but she had been with Yoriko, for whatever reason. Sometimes Yoriko would fantasize that it was because she was in love with her, that her feelings were returned, but that was, still, a very silly thought.

She wasn't waiting very long, but when she thought Touka was entering the room, it was actually a nurse.

"Here you are, Kosaka," she said happily. "You're making a wonderful recovery, really." The nurse set a tray of food down. It didn't smell so good.

"Oh, thank you," Yoriko smiled at the nurse.

"Mm-hmm," she replied and was out of the room again. It was almost overwhelming. But she was still lonely, in that single, half-hearted conversation. It seemed everyone  _but_  Touka was there.

She picked at the food with her chopsticks, but it didn't appear very appetizing. At least not to her taste buds. She wanted to gag at the smell but forced herself to take a few bites anyway.

Then she really wanted to gag. She wanted to throw it up. It was slimy and rotten and tasted like spoiled milk.

She swallowed and made a face.

Unfortunately for her, that was just when Touka decided to walk in.

"What's with the face?" Touka huffed with a small smile as she took the seat her father and the investigator had been in previously. Yoriko stuck her tongue out at her friend after an unpleasant swallow.

"At you, obviously," she teased.

Touka's gaze softened. "Bad hospital food?"

"Yeah. I knew it was bad, but not _this_  bad," she chuckled.

"Give them a break. I'm sure they're cooking for a bunch of other people too," Touka laughed.

The two fell silent for a moment, just observing each other. Yoriko took in Touka's light blue hair, her warm gaze, the faint smile playing on her lips when she met Yoriko's eyes.

"Why blue?" Yoriko found herself asking.

Touka shrugged. "My hair? Just... well... that's complicated."

"Touka..." Yoriko said warningly, holding up a finger. "No more secrets."

She bit her lip. "You're right, I'm sorry... well... uhhh... it's a pretty shade, isn't it?"

Yoriko nodded in agreement. "Yeah. But why?"

Touka bit her lip again and almost frowned. "Well... you know... the raid on the 20th ward, right?" she asked softly.

The other nodded quietly. Was Touka really opening up to her about this? While she was in the hospital?

"Well... during the raid... I kind of lost some important people. I kind of felt like I had nothing for a while, y'know?"

"Oh... I'm sorry, Touka... I had no idea... well, that's wrong, I did, but I'm still sorry," Yoriko whispered. Touka gave her a small smile.

"It's fine, Yoriko. It's happened and it's passed. I dyed my hair to give me something, to start new, and to remind myself that I still had a future. See? Here I am. I just wish it were under different circumstances..."

Yoriko snorted. "Yeah. But that's alright."

Touka seemed visibly relieved. She gave a sheepish smile, her head tilted a bit, and her eyebrows returned to their original places, no longer pushed down. Yoriko watched Touka glance to the flowers and card, and Yoriko got to smile as Touka blushed. She was awful at hiding her emotions.

"Did you read my card?" Touka asked.

Yoriko felt a pang of guilt. "No... not yet," she answered.

Touka seemed even more relieved, her shoulders slumped and a sigh escaped her lips. "I see. Well, it's kind of stupid anyway, so I don't think you'd appreciate it much..." The ghoul picked up the envelope, snatching it away before Yoriko could reach for it.

The latter narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "Touka, let me read it. It was for me, after all... it would be rude to take it back." She giggled. "What's on it can't be worse than that letter to the substitute we did in our freshman year!"

Touka gave a small laugh at that too. "No, I promise, this is worse. Trust me."

Yoriko didn't push it. But it almost hurt. It rubbed her the wrong way when Touka put it like that. It was a nice gesture, a little idea of saying she hoped Yoriko got well and that she was sorry she couldn't be there. Why would she go back on it?

Touka seemed to sense this, and changed the subject, "Yoriko... you heard what happened, didn't you? During the attack?"

Yoriko gave a small nod. Her parents told her the details that she couldn't remember or that she was unconscious for. Apparently there were two ghouls fighting.

"It was you, wasn't it?" Yoriko asked softly.

She watched Touka shift in the chair.

"...Yeah," she answered.

"That was really dangerous, Touka. But thank you. You saved my life, you know."

Touka was a blushing mess, and Yoriko was drinking it all in with a smile on her face. As much as she didn't like reliving it, the thought that Touka had protected her made her feel warm. It spread throughout her body and soothed even her numb fingertips.

"I... I wouldn't say that... I'm--"

"Don't apologize," Yoriko cut her off almost angrily. "Don't you dare apologize for something that wasn't your fault."

Touka frowned. "Really? Yoriko, you could have died right behind my apartment and I wouldn't have known because of my careless actions. I knew Fukuyoshi was a ghoul--" the ghoul cut herself off when Yoriko flinched. Her head throbbed at the name. "... Yoriko?"

"Yeah. Sorry," she said. "Can you... not say her name?"

"Of course. Sorry," Touka apologized. "Well... I knew she was a ghoul, and I still let you walk home without seeing you off first. I'm still partially to blame--"

"No, you're not!" Yoriko insisted. "Touka... you're really not. Her actions are not your own."

"--Well I still feel like it is, okay?" she huffed and ran a hand through her long bangs that fell over her face. "So really, just let me get some stuff off my chest."

Yoriko sighed but reluctantly nodded.

"I guess I was just happy, and that made me throw caution out the window. I didn't even think about her. And Yoriko, I _saw_  your bike outside. And I convinced myself it was someone else's. Yoriko, I waited _a whole ten minutes_ for you to reply to my text asking what you were doing. I was such an idiot."

Yoriko wanted to protest, but she would let Touka finish what she was saying.

"Dammit. I was so angry when I found you--I didn't even call an ambulance first when I should have. I'm so sorry. Instead, I fought her. And that was also such a stupid decision because of course, someone else saw us and called an ambulance, and then the CCG showed up--" Touka ran another hand through her hair.

"I've just been an idiot lately. And I'm sorry for that."

Yoriko blinked. She wouldn't invalidate Touka's words by telling her not to say such things, she didn't want to degrade her in any way, so instead, Yoriko swung her legs over the hospital bed and shakily stood up. Touka tensed and watched her, as if preparing to swoop in and grab her if she were to fall.

Yoriko leaned against the bed for a bit of support and limped a few steps over to Touka and hugged her.

Beneath her embrace, Touka tensed further before relaxing and returning the hug in full.

God, Yoriko hadn't realized how much she needed that.

Touka was warm and alive and _warm._

_Warm._

She clung onto the ghoul as if she were a lifeline, and one slip up would have her grasping at thin air and left only to fall into nothingness. She felt less concerned, less... something. Less heavy.

But she hated that she needed the physical contact to lift her mood.

She relied on a lot of people for a lot of things. And this was another one.

They stayed like that for a few good minutes. When did Touka start smelling so good? When did Yoriko's senses become so good, was actually the question.

She didn't care. It was a pleasant scent.

When she pulled away, Touka's nose was slightly crinkled, and a frown tugging at her face.

"What?" Yoriko asked. "Now you're the one making faces."

Touka chuckled. It was not at all Fukuyoshi's chuckle. It was lighter and genuine.

"Just... this feels surreal."

Yoriko frowned. She didn't think that was what was wrong, but she let it go. Secrets, secrets, lies, lies.

Oh well.

They couldn't be hidden forever.

"So... what kind of flowers are in this?" Yoriko asked, gesturing to the bouquet when she sat back down on the hospital bed.

Touka bit her lip.

That was something she did a lot, Yoriko noted.

"Ah... just calla lilies, daisies, gardenias. Kind of going for an aesthetic, I guess," Touka obviously lied. Touka did this thing with her lips when she lied--she pressed them together or she bit them.

Yoriko made a mental list of the flowers. "Oh. Well, if you say so, then you should have at least made it colorful! You've never been one for colors. Even now," she chided as she eyed Touka's outfit. A gray hoodie and jeans.

Touka knew she was caught, so she gave Yoriko a small smile. "Okay, so maybe aesthetic wasn't all it was. But it mostly was."

That was less of a lie. Yoriko would accept it.

"When you leave, can you do me a favor?" Yoriko asked.

The ghoul nodded. "Yeah, what?"

"Could you stop by the bakery and see how everyone's doing?"

Touka nodded. "Of course. But, Yoriko... I can stay a while longer. If you want," she quickly added on the last sentence.

Yoriko grinned. "Yeah. I would like that. A lot."

 

Though it seemed more than anything, it was Touka who needed Yoriko's company.

Kosaka Yoriko depended on a lot of people for a lot of things.

But that didn't mean she couldn't do anything by herself.

 

Making Kirishima Touka happy was one of those things she could do, and she was always willing to do it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!! Another early chapter because again, I'll be busy tomorrow. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	8. Mosaics are Still Made of Broken Pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Among Touka's crumbling network, there have only been two constants. One of which she previously shut out. 
> 
> That leaves only one other person she can rely on before it all goes to shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: there's descriptions of panic attacks in this chapter!

Touka had to admit, it was actually really nice to stay with Yoriko until visiting hours ended.

Though it was nice, Touka still thought Yoriko smelled weird. And it wasn't just the hospital, which seemed to have such an overwhelming, strange scent of cleanliness and sterile air.

Yoriko still smelled like she did, but there was something--else.

Before, Yoriko naturally smelled as what could be described as sweet, and no, not just because humans were ghoul food. Ghouls always had an underlying scent of blood to them--except for Kaneki. She assumed it was because he was an artificial half-ghoul.

Sure, Kaneki still smelled human, but there was something off about it, too. The scent of a female ghoul, a fresh, crisp redolence, a bit like winter, clung to the human fragrance like snow on a flower.

And she smelled the same thing on Yoriko.

At first, she hadn't been sure. She doubted her own senses, even though they rarely failed her.

Ever since Fukuyoshi's attack, Touka was scared.

She remembered her first actual meeting with Kaneki outside of work, in the alley, where Kaneki sobbed over the freshly killed human--all the while claiming that he was a monster, that because he was tempted to eat flesh, he was automatically worth less than anyone else.

All the while claiming ghouls were monsters.

That _she_ was a monster.

And most of all, her _friends_ were monsters.

Sometimes, he wasn't wrong. But then, he couldn't have been farther from the truth.

Touka still had trouble believing it and was far from accepting her suspicions as she walked back home to her apartment, distressed after being deprived of Yoriko's comforting, ignorant presence. She kept her head down ever since the incident. She didn't run into Fukuyoshi since. She couldn't smell Fukuyoshi's scent trailing in and out of her apartment.

And she didn't know if she should have been glad or worried about it.

Probably both, and yet she still failed to get her shit together. She needed to talk to Yoriko before she found out on her own--she didn't want a repeat of Kaneki.

Not that Touka could dream of treating Yoriko as she did him, especially not Yoriko. Because it wasn't supposed to happen to Yoriko.

Never to Yoriko.

Not to her loving demeanor, her warm smile, the gentleness she treated Touka with that wasn't apparent with anyone else outside of those intimate, private moments she cherished.

Touka swallowed. She knew she needed to have a long, long talk with Yoriko--but not while she was in the hospital. Not until she was ready. But Touka knew she didn't have much time. It was only a matter of the element that she had to approach the subject one way or another, before--something. She needed to do so before Yoriko noticed anything else--before Yoriko came to the _realization_ herself. Yoriko wasn't stupid or unobservant; she would notice  _something._

Touka flopped down on her bed and ran a hand through her already messy hair. She spent most of the evening in the hospital with Yoriko, and once she was out in the waiting room, wasted no time in throwing the card away.

In the card, she wrote a confession.

_Stupid._

_Silly._

_Unnecessary._

Especially not appreciated when Yoriko was recovering. She didn't need that sprung on her--along with everything else that Touka was about to.

She hated herself for it, but she really didn't know how even to bring up the topic. Conversation flowed so _smoothly_ around Yoriko--too easily. She could shape it whichever way she desired, and Touka wouldn't question it.

That was another thing Yoriko did, among many others.

_Shit._

Touka came to another awful revelation.

Yoriko _loved_ cooking. Food was such a huge part of her life--her occupation, her passion, her hobby.

She was always around food.

Eating someone's food was a sign of trust, a sign of community, a subject of conversation. Touka envied humans sometimes, who could eat without being solitary, without having to eat alone because the cost otherwise was too high--or too twisted.

That would ruin Yoriko. Touka knew it. And she couldn't bear to see it happen. Just thinking about it made her sick--sicker than any human food could.

Yoriko was kind, never inconsiderate, but never lenient either. When she had her mind made up, there was rarely anything you could do to change it. Not that Touka would want to, anyway. She couldn't imagine persuading a stubborn Yoriko.

She hoped ths time, it would work in her favor, if Yoriko was so adamant that she could accept Touka and all her baggage--and that included the ghoul thing.

However Touka managed to bring it about, she knew one thing was top priority: absolutely under any circumstances, Yoriko mustn't break. She mustn't succumb to whatever it was that Kaneki did. She would not end a tragedy.

She would overcome this.

Touka simply wouldn't allow otherwise; she wouldn't become an onlooker, a bystander, a passive watcher to her story as she was with Kaneki's.

But there was something else--it wasn't that becoming a ghoul _"broke"_ Kaneki--Touka had a feeling Kaneki was already pretty fucked up before.

Or she hoped he was (wow, she never thought she'd wish for something like that, even if it was so to hope Yoriko would handle it better).

Touka once thought ignorance could be both harmful and bliss--at the same time, too. Not knowing could hurt someone so, _so_ much, but it could also save someone.

She knew this firsthand.

When Yoriko was still her classmate, still bringing Touka food when she visited, it really hurt. A lot. It hurt to keep something so defining about her from her most precious person.

For Touka, the past was a maze of shattered mirrors, broken, twisted parallels so pitiful that the only reason her motives were missed was because they were so blatantly obvious. But that was all the past, broken hearts and hopes and lives cut and pierced and bled. It was hateful and hurtful and altogether unkind.

Touka's motives were to live like a _human_. She didn't want a life of hiding (more than she already did), where gaining power and strength was the only way to survive.

The future was nothing more than misting vapor never to be caught. Only guesses and suppositions remained.

Touka thought would have quickly sunk in by now, floated up, up, and beyond, a contrast to what would've actually happened. If it weren't for Yoriko, who was her rock, her anchor to shore, she would have actually drifted away in the ocean of chance.

She couldn’t tell the future. She could only guess. She had to keep pushing, fighting, lying to live. She had to cover for her mistakes, had to berate herself so much that she sometimes let off steam on other people, reprimanding them in place of herself for the most mundane of errors; her trick to keeping maliciously curious eyes from settling upon the truth. That was her cover. That was her lie. Her lies were her life, and her life was a lie: two twisted to one, one no longer two.

The whole affair of life itself was always so intriguing, always so morbid.

Perhaps even the most beautiful of mosaics were still made of broken pieces. Touka simply wanted to live, tried to build herself up. Even if what she was building with was already broken.

 

It was late when Touka finally got some sleep. Her dreams whispered her sins, and she heard, trapped within the confines of her mind as they contaminated the rest she needed. They poisoned the air she breathed. They spread their malice, their malevolence, their venom, their hate for her. Touka listened, she sensed, she knew, she _understood._

Fukuyoshi's face flashed through her dream--the same one with the crowd. All the people, all her, her, _her._

And Yoriko, still a prisoner captive behind the wall built by Fukuyoshi and her actions.

And right before Touka could set her free--something always stopped her.

 

This time it was herself.

  
When Touka woke, tears wetting her cheeks, the clock read 2:22.

She pressed her palms to her damp eyes, but it did nothing. Touka really hated emotions sometimes, so persistent, nagging, and most of all, _present_. They clung to her like wet clothes, and frankly, it could get uncomfortable when she didn't know how to deal with them.

Touka sniffed and swallowed.

_Pathetic, helpless, weak._

Dammit. Why was Touka crying? It was just another stupid dream of hers. That was all it was, despite its malicious undertones, despite the meanings engrained into the essence of its subconscious existence.

God. Touka just needed to chill. She hated to admit it, but it really got to her. The dream shook her from her roots and threatened to extract them like a rug swept out from under her feet. She would never do that! She would never, ever prevent Yoriko from escape. She would never  _hurt Yoriko like that--_

Touka stumbled into her small kitchen, shoulders drooping and vision blurred. She was indeed a mess at two in the morning. She hated it. She should be asleep, yet there she was, preparing decaf coffee for herself.

She needed to calm down, that much she knew.

She also needed to clear her thoughts, and coffee would definitely help her do both. Soon she was at her kitchen table in the dark, which her eyes had since adjusted to after being cleared of their tears.

Her eyes, speaking of which, were red and puffy and ugly, complimenting the icky snot she gracelessly sucked back into her nose or wiped on the hem of her pajama shirt. She had never been a pretty crier. She gripped the mug tightly, welcoming the warmth, even when it burned against her hand like tendrils of fire lapping at wood. It was a welcome feeling--the physical pain was better than emotional distress.

On so many levels.

She sighed to no one in the darkness that greeted her. She really wasn't one to believe in the paranormal, but there was always something eerie about kitchens in the night. It was so quiet, and generally, in TV shows, the kitchens were busy and inhabited by humans, who were cooking their excessive three meals a day, snacking, hanging out, whatever.

She never really had a need for one other than to make coffee and store food. But then again, she had no need for three meals a day either.

Perhaps that was why kitchens irked her so. Because they were portrayed as _busy_ places--and it was unnatural for one not to be--more so in the void of night.

Yeah, maybe she didn't believe in the supernatural, but she knew Yoriko did--or had, at one point. She remembered Yoriko getting into this weird American TV show (it was _always_ American TV shows, not that she thought of it), rushing to tell her everything excitedly, flipping her shit whenever something (obviously staged) happened.

She could recall sleepovers from years ago--ones that they spent staying up late in Touka's old apartment, back when Hinami would sometimes accompany them-- _oh_. Touka didn't want to think about Hinami.

Not Hinami or her brother. Not Hinami or Kaneki or "Haise".

Just more emotions to pile up on her shoulders, weighing her down to reality. She shoved the thoughts of old sleepovers aside.

Touka couldn't even reminisce anymore. Sure, all anyone had ever left her with were memories, but memories stirred emotions. Old and unwelcomed ones.

She had yet for someone besides Yoriko to leave her with memories she embraced with open arms and an open mind.

Memories and negative feelings. That, and her father's ring, she supposed. But even that wasn't much more than a bad memory itself.

Touka let the liquid scorch her tongue and burn her throat as she swallowed. At two-thirty in the morning, she could feel herself relax a little as the coffee warmed her, soothed the unpleasant tightness in her chest. It held the fragmented, broken-up memories at bay, allowed her to focus her mind on something else.

And at two-thirty, she finished the last drop of her coffee and was left to panic.

It seized her slowly, crept up like the contagious little growth it was, its cold hands suddenly squeezed her chest again, and the tightness returned.

How could she go back to sleep? She couldn't--she didn't want to face that dream again. She didn't want to face herself.

She sucked in a breath and let it out slowly, forcing herself to concentrate on her surroundings. Anything but the feelings.

The sink's metallic surface glinted in what little light filtered through the blinds on the windows. The cold countertop appeared darker than it was when it was cast in shadows. The college papers and mugs that littered the surface made it more homely, a small laptop sat atop the mess. The shiny handles of drawers beneath the counter reflected a soft light that didn't reach far into the darkness. Touka's eyes trailed down to her small, wooden kitchen table. Though it was small in width, it was on the taller side, as were the chairs that accompanied it.

On the table was her mug, a simple one with bold, blue lettering on it that said "QUEEN." And beyond the mug was a taller glass, a transparent, clear cup, so _you could see the green stems of the flowers through them_ \----

If the flowers were there.

Touka visibly paled in the darkness as a cold, overwhelming feeling washed over her, making her drown in its horror as she struggled against crashing waves of disquiet.

The calla lilies were gone.

The cup was there but--there were no flowers.

Touka's chest tightened more as she immediately stood up, hands curled into clenched fists tightly at her sides. She sucked in a breath and let it out, continuing the process to try and calm herself down. It did little.

There could be a logical explanation for this--

Even if the only name running around her head was _Fukuyoshi, Fukuyoshi, Fukuyoshi,_ there could be another, more reasonable excuse.

 _How long had they been missing?_ was the second question. Her pulse picked up, it hammered against her ribs violently, screaming _"It was her!"_ at her.

She sniffed at the air, trying to pick up a scent--anything that would tell her what had happened--who was there--

Touka's mouth went dry when she realized she couldn't smell _anything_ but her own scent, the scent of her home, and the staling scent of the flowers.

 _Fuck fuck fuck_.

Touka was on the verge of tears, and she was well aware that her breathing had since picked up erratically. Her hands trembled by her sides from being clenched so tightly, and when she forced her fingers to uncurl themselves, she could see the marks on her palms from her fingernails in the dimly lit kitchen.

Someone had been in her apartment--and she didn't know who.

_Fukuyoshi._

_It was her, that wretch,_  Touka's mind whispered.

Okay, okay. But the scent was stale, the flowers had been there sometime that day, but... if the smell was still there, they couldn't've been gone long. Now that she thought about it--she wasn't paying much attention when she came back to her apartment from the hospital visit. They must've disappeared sometime before then.

Or so she told herself, in her quiet voice of reason that was drowned out in the panic that still suffocated her under its freezing waters. Her alarm was not hot and did not burn like a flame--it was cold and aching, more horror and shock than anything.

_Fuck fuck fuck._

Touka knew she was on the edge of a mental breakdown--just one more little push and she'd fall over like a house of cards. Because that was what her life had been like lately--a fragile, delicate structure made entirely out of paper--flammable, tipsy, weak.

It had already burned down once.

Before Touka could process what she was doing, her phone was in her hand, and she was calling the only contact that came to mind when she was like how she was then.

Touka blinked down at the screen and realized she had called Yoriko's phone. Not her mother's, not her father's, but _Yoriko's_.

Touka held her breath as the phone rang. One beat past.

Two.

Touka started to hold her breath. Whoever picked it up would have Yoriko's phone--would have Touka's phone number.

Three.

An automated voice telling her to leave a message.

That meant that Yoriko's phone was still intact. It did not tell her the number was unavailable.

Yoriko's phone existed somewhere. _Someone had her phone._

_Fukuyoshi, Fukuyoshi, Fukuyoshi._

Touka let out a sob and the breath she held as she ended the call, letting the phone slip from her hands and fall with a soft thud to the kitchen table. She scooted back her chair to give herself space to bring her legs up to her chest and hugged them.

She never felt as alone as she did then. Alone and scared--alone and in danger. Someone took the flowers, and she couldn't even tell who.

Everything was getting worse so quickly--but she had always been a fool for hope, and that just made the plummeting disappointment and hopelessness hit the bottom of her stomach harder. It sat there like a rock.

Through her stuttering gasps, she wiped her eyes with the back of her arm and hand, sniffling.

She forced herself to take deep breaths, letting them out increasingly quicker and _quicker_ \--

Her head ached, as did her eyes.

She swallowed thickly and reached again for her phone, checking the time. It was two, and Touka was still a mess, still exhausted, and still looked and felt like shit. Touka knew she wouldn't sleep in her apartment that night, not anymore.

It was so late--or was it too early? She didn't care and called the one other number that she still trusted. The one other number that was not yet a painful memory. The one other number that could give her some solace, the one other number that still played a big part in her crumbling foundation.

Touka hit the "call" button beside Yomo's contact.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So an early update! I won't be updating next week because I'll be writing in preparation for Hidekane week, which you can find [here](http://www.hidekaneweek.tumblr.com/). 
> 
> My main tumblr is @starry-alluras, but my tokyo ghoul blog for my tg edits, icons, etc. is @haisse-sasaki
> 
> Thanks so much for reading! Tell me your thoughts or concerns!


	9. They Say We're Made of Stardust

Touka was tired. She felt like shit. Nothing new.

Last night she called up Yomo, who was grumpy to be woken up, but immediately awake when he heard Touka's voice. He put up with her shit a lot, and she respected him for that.

She went over to Yomo's apartment late that night, the same one that Ayato and her stayed with him when they were younger.  He made them coffee, despite the time, and they sat in a comfortable silence as Touka willed herself to be calm and composed.

But there was no need, Yomo was silent and understanding, and told her they would talk in the morning when she was rested. She slept on the futon in the living room that night, gazing up at the ceiling as she processed and compartmentalized the events earlier.

She slept well enough, but she still had to get up to go to work. Yes, she still had a life. She still had responsibilities. So she needed to get her shit together and think rationally.

Okay, so the flowers were stolen. An empty threat with no real backing. Or so Touka told herself in the morning as she set the sign outside of :re and flipped the small plaque on it to "open".

Touka went back inside and picked up the white apron, letting it settle around her neck and tying it around her waist.

Yomo was grinding coffee beans with his usual intense, intimidating look that Touka had never really been intimidated by.

"You going to tell me about last night?" Yomo asked so casually that Touka almost thought he was just going to comment about the new brew he was trying or the weather report for the day.

Touka froze when the words processed. She swallowed. "...Yeah," she said after a moment. "You've... heard about the accident outside my apartment, right?"

Yomo gave a small nod as he looked up from his work, meeting her gaze unflinching. Touka suppressed a shudder from running up her spine.

"Well... that incident was with Yoriko. She... she... smells..."

Yomo waited patiently for her to finish, gently setting down the cup he had been holding.

Touka swallowed. "You know Kaneki...? With that..."

Yomo nodded again. He was a man of few words, and Touka appreciated that. He understood, and she didn't need to explain further.

"Mm. So... the ghoul who attacked her..." A sudden blush made it's way onto Touka's face as she recalled the calla lilies. That Yoriko gave her. The pretty flowers that used to sit on her kitchen table.

"I think the same ghoul... broke into my apartment," Touka finally decided on.

Yomo said nothing, but she heard the silent question anyway. What was she going to do about it?

Touka leaned against the counter as she thought for a minute. What could she do? "But... my main concern is Yoriko. So... I don't want a Kaneki repeat..."

Touka honestly surprised herself with how calm she was being. A younger Touka might've been angry, as she didn't know how to deal with other emotions. She would get mad about the littlest things, find any excuse to justify it, so she could pretend she didn't feel anything else. That it didn't affect her that much, because she could afford to be petty or irritable, then clearly nothing significant was happening.

"You should talk to her," Yomo's response surprised Touka. She blinked at him, fear wedging itself into her gut. A Kaneki repeat was not what she wanted--she hoped she could handle it better this time around.

But that depended a lot on Yoriko.

The fear grew in her stomach.

"I know," Touka replied.

She did, and she didn't like it one bit. But Yoriko deserved to know--not to find out like how Kaneki did. She deserved to be warned; she deserved to know what it entailed--she deserved to know that she had people who loved and supported her before and who did now.

Touka would make sure she was loved, one way or another.

Yoriko would not become like Kaneki.

Yoriko would be protected, safe, she would adapt. And Touka trusted Yoriko could overcome it.

And then, there was Fukuyoshi.

The words died on Touka's lips as she opened her mouth again. The ever-patient Yomo waited.

She took a deep breath. "As for the ghoul... She'll have to go if she continues to bring attention to herself. They're already patrolling the area more often..." she trailed off as she thought of Kaneki--Haise? Haise. Who did not remember Touka. "We can't afford to have them realize where we live, although I'm sure they have their suspicions."

Yomo stared off for a while before giving a purposeful nod in agreement. He looked almost--proud? She must've imagined it. It was so easy to imagine emotion in Yomo's eyes, when nothing else gave anything away, after all.

"You should talk with Yoriko. I trust you," was Yomo's only reply as he went back to grinding coffee beans.

Touka let out a small sigh as she got to work as well.

She had to talk to Yoriko. And soon. Especially if Yomo was the one who said she should; she trusted his judgment as much as he trusted her intuition. She was grateful for that.

But that was far from the end of Touka's concerns. How she would bring it up, when she would, where she would all raced around her head, belittling and nagging as if she were a forgetful child who didn't do her homework.

And maybe, the description was a bit fitting.

Customers came in and came out, and Touka was surprised she managed to keep up her smile. But it was well-practiced, after all. So of course she could.

Thoughts of visiting Yoriko in the hospital also raced through her mind, and she realized she forgot to do something.

She never checked up on Yoriko's bakery, did she?

Nope.

Oops. Touka hoped Yoriko would understand.

 

* * *

 

Yoriko was discharged from the hospital that morning. She had to take these nasty-tasting pills every day, but she was glad she was relatively unscathed.

Truthfully, Yoriko was afraid to go outside.

It was stupid, really, but fear still hugged her from behind as she made her way to the exit with her mother next to her. Yoriko could feel her gate get smaller and smaller, her stride slower and slower as she approached the door. She didn't want to go out. Where the asphalt was.

Where the alleyways were. Where ghouls that weren't like Touka lurked and taunted her.

She let out a small breath, visibly paling as she steeled herself in front of the door. She must've looked very strange standing there, but she couldn't bring herself to care.

Back then, it was getting dark.

Now it was mid-day, she assured herself. In _public_ , in the open. And her mother was with her.

Yoriko knew it was childish, but she felt a strange comfort when her mother seemed to sense something was wrong and put a hand on her daughter's shoulder and gently squeezed it. Yoriko looked up, forcing her hand to go to the door and push it open.

She walked through it.

It was almost like crossing the threshold.

Well, it literally was, but metaphorically. Yoriko opened the next set of doors, her mother behind her.

Yoriko gripped Touka's bouquet of flowers loosely in her hands, as if they were fragile things. And in some ways, they were.

Touka.

And as she walked down the street with her mother to help if she needed anything, she found herself asking, "How did you and dad meet?"

Her mother blinked in surprise and glanced at her as they crossed the street. "We met at a bar," she said.

Okay. Yoriko knew that much, but how?

"Yeah, I know, but, like, what happened?" she asked. She realized she knew very little about her parent's lives.

"Hm," her mother hummed for a moment as they waited for a signal change to cross the street. "Well... we had some drinks. Then we did some things not appropriate for your ears."

Yoriko flushed at the implication, but retorted, "Mom, I'm almost twenty. But thank you for sparing me the details."

There was silence until they crossed the street. Yoriko hated that. She had always been the one carrying the conversation. Her parents weren't big talkers. She sometimes wondered how she was ever their child.

"How did you...  start dating, though?" she asked quietly. Her mother shot her an amused look, her eyebrows raised.

"Why? Planning on asking someone out?" she questioned with a chuckle at Yoriko's embarrassed expression.

Yoriko gave a noncommittal shrug. She didn't want to confirm it, but she wouldn't deny it either if confronted. Sure, she was thinking about it... not really planning, but thinking. It was just an idea in development.

It made her so nervous, but she felt that Touka, even if she didn't return her feelings, would still let them be friends. She could be sure of at least that one thing.

Yoriko's mother put a gentle hand on her shoulder. "You really want to know?" she laughed. Yoriko furrowed her eyebrows, but nodded. "We just talked. That's literally all we did. We were at the bar, and he asked if I wanted to make plans with him after we seemed to get along well."

Her daughter sighed and shrugged her off as they reached the complex. That wasn't very helpful, mostly because her parents had been strangers before. That wasn't at all the same situation as her and Touka.

"Oh," was all Yoriko replied with. Her mother shot her a look she didn't catch.

"My first boyfriend bought me a bracelet. I still have it, I think."

"Why?" Yoriko asked. And  _wow_ , it was bizarre to hear her mother talk about her dating wife. Her parents, dating... that was an odd thought. Just like when you found out your teachers had a life outside of school--or if you were a very small child, learning your parents had names that weren't "Mom" or "Dad". Or when you never really heard your parents' middle names often, and you read their full names on some paper.

"Because it was pretty. It's not anything deep," her mother laughed as they walked up to the front door of the house. Her mother was still smiling as she unlocked it and stepped inside.

Yoriko shut the door behind her, but she surprised herself with her own strength. She nearly slammed the door closed--though she swore she was doing it just as she had almost every day of her life. The back door that led to the small carport outside could be heard creaking open as it often did when it was unlocked and someone shut the front door a bit too hard.

Her mother was staring at her in a mix of surprise and amusement.

"Sorry," Yoriko mumbled. "I didn't mean to shut it so hard."

Her mother waved her off. "It's fine," she said as she went to go close the other door that had opened. "Now go rest, that probably tired you out after that accident of yours."

"Actually, the doctor said light exercise like walking is fine and encouraged. I don't feel tired," Yoriko assured. "Gonna take more than that to wear me down," she added with a beam.

Her mother chuckled. "You hungry?" she asked.

Yoriko shook her head. "No, not really." Now that she thought about it, she hadn't been very hungry in a while.

She assumed it was a side-effect of her experience, and that it would go away soon and she would be back to normal. But see? She had gotten home just fine, and she was silly to be afraid to go out like that. There was no reason to be scared.

"Alright. You can make yourself something when you do, for now, I promised  the neighbors I would feed their cat while they're gone."

"Alright," Yoriko said as she plopped down on the couch and turned on the TV. She had a cooking show to catch up on, and she needed to see if her guy was eliminated.

 

 

Kuroiwa called the home phone that evening to see how Yoriko was doing. She smiled as she answered, "I'm doing alright. Don't worry about me!"

"That's good," Kuroiwa replied from the other end.

Yoriko hummed in agreement.

"We're having trouble on the case, but if we find anything, I'll give what information I can," he replied.

Yoriko felt her heart drop. Oh. That was right, the CCG might even question Touka about the incident. She needed to talk to her, to warn her--

"Thanks, Kuroiwa," she said softly. Not because she was endeared, though that was how Kuroiwa seemed to take it.

He replied softly, "It's not a problem, Kosaka. Take care of yourself."

"You too."

"Bye."

"See you," Yoriko replied and hung up, putting the phone back on the--the thing. She didn't know what it was called. The thing you set the phone back down on, that was plugged in somewhere. The charger? The cradle? No, Yoriko was pretty sure a cradle was for old phones that weren't mobile.

She was pondering this when her mother spoke up, "Is he who you're asking out?" she asked with mild surprise.

"Um--"

Yoriko was saved by the phone ringing again. She wasted no time in picking it up when she saw the caller ID. She pressed call and held it up to her ear.

"Hello?" she asked.

"Hey, Yoriko," Touka's voice replied.

"Touka! You have an update on the bakery?" she asked with a small smile. It was nice to hear Touka's voice again. She missed its familiar lull and cadence.

"Um--"

"You forgot, didn't you?" Yoriko half-laughed. She should've been expecting that.

She could hear Touka give a weak, sheepish chuckle. "Yeah... sorry, Yoriko," she said.

Yoriko sighed. "It's fine. I'll give them a call myself later," she said.

"Yeah, you probably should," Touka agreed. "I think it would be weird if I were just to drop in and ask how it was going."

Yoriko snorted. "Oh--I never thought of that. Sorry. I guess you could've just said 'the boss sent me' or something."

"Now that would sound even weirder, Yoriko," Touka huffed.

"I'm sure they would understand, even if you're a socially awkward dork," she teased. Her mother gave her a look as she only listened to one side of the conversation. "I bet you purposely forgot so you wouldn't have to, coward," she joked.

There was a pause where Yoriko could just imagine Touka rolling her eyes. "If you say so. Haven't they called you by now themselves, anyways?"

Yoriko pouted, even though she knew Touka couldn't see it. "Pff. Yeah, well, my phone was kind of destroyed, and it's not like I gave them my parents' phone numbers," she shot back.

Touka let out a long sigh. "Fine. So you're telling me you texted me but didn't call them? How inconsiderate," she teased Yoriko, who flushed. She was glad Touka couldn't see.

"Okay, so maybe we're even," Yoriko was about to stick her tongue out, but she knew that Touka couldn't see it, and her mother would pick on her about it later.

"That's true, so you have no right to belittle me," Touka said.

Yoriko sat down on the couch as she asked, "So, anything going on with you?"

Touka hummed. "No... but... Yoriko... could I talk to you? Maybe you could come over to the coffee shop after we close?"

Yoriko furrowed her eyebrows. "Why not now?"

Touka paused. "Uh... it's kind of... I would rather tell you in person."

Yoriko's heart fluttered. What could it be?

"O-oh. Okay. When?" Yoriko asked.

"Tomorrow, if you're available?"

"Yep. What time?"

"Six?" she asked.

"Okay. Sounds good," Yoriko said.

"See you there, then."

"Yep. Be there tomorrow."

Yoriko pressed end, her face still a bit red. Her mother was still staring at her expectantly.

"Actually... that was."

Her mother raised her eyebrows and nodded. "So tomorrow? You and Touka?" 

Yoriko sighed. "Mom, she just wanted to talk."

" _Oh?_ " her mother teased.

Yoriko rolled her eyes and didn't reply, though she felt her face grow warmer. Perhaps she could let herself hope--just this once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing for Hidekane week was fun, but I'm glad to be back and updating on this. Did y'all know there's a Touriko week?? I'm gonna be writing for that too! You can find it [here](https://tourikoweek.tumblr.com/post/175962820896/touriko-week-2018-from-august-20th-august-26th)!!


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